Wednesday, March 31, 2004
-sighz-
sat in front of my com, stare at the screen
and wonder if what i've chosen is right.
i was so sure of what i wanted to do.
business
it was what i wanted all along.
especially hotel management
when now i can have the chance to choose business management,
i'm sort of hesitating for the moment,
cos some words really make me wonder if i'm really suitable for it.
amireallysuitabletodothis?
isitreallyforme?
amimakingthecorrectchoice?
whythesuddenhesitation?
whythesuddendoubts?
aRgh!
-sighz-
went back to school today. wanted to play badminton in the hall, but the cleaners had to arrange chairs, so didnt get to play much.
yippee! got to learn how to play qing tian today on the guitar, all thanx to steve =) think i'm not that bad lahz... quite a fast learner for someone who have fat fingers.. =P yey! enjoyed playing the guitar ah.. but now, my fingers are damn painful lorz... =(
-sighz- rejected another offer to go back to school to teach today cos i dont think i feel good enough to go back and try to control a rowdy bunch of students. -sighz- a bit cannot take it ah!! -sighz-
hm... went to BK after everything with steve, gan, shiyang, gav, ky, jasper and sok. hm... it's been quite some time since we had such a large group of people out for dinner. -sighz- hm... had a good laugh all thanx to steve lorz... ahhaha... it's always very funny with him around lorz... like a clown like that... =P hehe! yey!
saw my og peepz when i went back to school... ahha... think gonna have og outing soon.. but still havent decide where to go.. -sighz-
why did i went back for orientation?
DAMN! i'm so pissed now lorz...
something's wrong with my application to SIM
and i have to call up the school tomorrow!!
FUCK!
ArGh!! i dont even know what i've filled in lorz..
and now they said i've already submitted the same thing..
but when i made my first attempt...
it was pretty screwed up...
cos i couldnt get past the second part...
diaoz!!!
i feel so irritated now lorz... -sighz-
DAMN IT LAHZ!!!
i didnt even complete anything that has to do with qualifications or whatever fuck lorz!
damn it!
this is so fucked up!
argh!
screw it ah!
WHAT THE FUCK!
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
today basically just slack it away. woke up early in the morning by siti calling me to go back for relief teaching.. but i'm too sick to take up the job. dont really have much voice... plus i kept coughing, so better not go back and pass it around.
played bridge for the whole day... before i took a break and fell asleep in preparation for my piano class at night, only to realise that this is the fifth week and there's no lesson today!! kaoz!! i feel so cheated lorz.. went all the way there for nothing.. so in the end, went back to sok's house again. gan, shiyang and linda were there too =) continue to bitch and played games for a while... then ordered pizza =) hahaha... bloated..
hm... discussing whether to wear secondary school uniform back to pj tomorrow... -sighz- damn! i think i'm gonna get scolded very soon lorz... haiz... i better think of a way to make amendments le... or else, sure die. yey! gonna wear css uniform back to pj tomorrow... together with sok, of course. and gav will be wearing his ACS shirt and gan in his gan eng seng uniform.. haha... think we'll simply look hideous.. okok... at least, i'll definitely look hideous lorz... haiz.. with my ultra TOOT skirt..!! ok... shall post the pics here if i took any tomorrow... =P
damn damn damn!! i havent send in my uni applications... so diaoz rite? -sighz- now i dont know what to apply... so irritating! and SIM have so many similar courses until i'm a bit blur le...
now talking to wendy and joseph in msn... hahah.. the 2 of them are so diaoz sometimes... miss them so much... -sighz- everytime joe tries to meet me for dinner, i'll definitely have things cropped up at the last minute... sianz.. miss that girl so much.. =(
Monday, March 29, 2004
dont really know what happen,
just feel down all of a sudden.
ms,
as usual.
something triggers me to think about it all over again,
and kept asking myself the questions
that will never have an answer to it.
too many things had happened in the meantime,
and these should be the last things that i think about.
but still,
sometimes you just cant help it.
i wonder how they are now.
enjoying themselves?
-sighz-
sok is right.
Mr Yong is right too.
"see the forest, dont see the tree."
Sunday, March 28, 2004
went for dinner with the group of brothers that are going for NS soon... hm.. wonder how peng and sing will look like after they shave their heads.. haha... hm... no more shuai ges liaoz... =P
think i'm so kns lorz..
always nothing better to do..
then nao tou zhuang qiang lor...
kaoz!
it just feels so shitty lorz..
argh!
it's seriously... WHAT THE FUCK!
Saturday, March 27, 2004
met up with shiyang, xinwei, yanjie and gan in the afternoon for lunch. it's nice to see the guys again. =)
bitched a bit... and when i couldnt help stand anymore army stuffs, i kept diverting it back to O2... ahhaha.. afterall, i really dont understand all those terms lorz... damn diaoz leyz!! hahaha.... so since they made me suffer by listening to all the army stuffs... i made them suffering by telling them how fun O2 is, and made them jealous that they are not able to be a part of it.
when i so couldnt stand it anymore.. i can only keep repeating my 3 satisfaction, which by the end of the day, all the 3 of them were able to repeat it. hahahah... TOO BAD FOR THEM!!!
had dinner in je after that... and met up with sok... then went to IMM together without yanjie... cos he had to go home earlier... hm... went to secret recipes and had their cakes... yummy!! it was really delicious lorz... ahhaah... all 4 of us were really savouring it lorz!
end up having quite serious talks... and as usual lahz... all the things about SC... damn diaoz lorz... everytime with them, sure end up somewhere around there... then it'll be as though i'm also part of them... -sighz- sometimes, i wonder how come i know so much about them too.. -sighz- was getting a bit hopeful as we talk about things and they start making plans.. but then, things were often super unpredictable... it just have to see how things will turn out in the end..
Friday, March 26, 2004
went back to pj today.. wanted to just pass them the gifts initially.. but cos i was too tired and a bit lazy, i didnt manage to finish writing everything.. so can only give them on the next day.
saw so many people in the concourse when we stepped into school. there were so many people waiting outside G.O. for appeal. met a few of my og members... and most of them were complaining about their class. this is bad. i think a lot of them enjoy their ogs so much that separation has become a problem. -sighz- saw joscelin crying, cos she was separated from nancy and yuyi... and mr kwek doesnt allow her to appeal... so -sighz- eugene was also complaining to me, cos she's in the same class with the few girls that he doesnt like... and grace doesnt like her class too... felt sad for her when she hugged me and cried... -sighz-
i was being stopped by familiar people now and then from G.O to the canteen... hearing them complaining about their classes and how they dont like the classmates... haiz... this is bad... i think they have CT orientation for at least 2 days lorz... like the orientation that was for our batch.
19 of us met up after their CIP and as usual... we just sat outside Lot 1 and played our usual games... i realise that my og forever playing games one... they just dont get tired of it... diaoz right? hahah... =)
ky joined us and it was funny lorz... cos he blur blur one... ahhaha.. well, played games till about 7 then went for dinner... slacked and talked all the way till 10 before going home...
how i wish time will just stop for all of us.... =(
Thursday, March 25, 2004
well, today sort of marks the end of the orientation 2. felt kind of sad... guess i'm going to miss my OG very much. i dont know if the rest of the seniors are feeling the same way, but i guess most of us really felt this sense of lost, and how i wish that this orientation wouldnt end. but then, i guess, if it doesnt end, i'll not be able to talk anymore. =)
limin and i were panicking in the early afternoon lorz... cos both of us couldnt finish writing the cards for our og. haha... but in the end, we managed to finish everything and gave it to them. =) while limin was tryign to finish the cards, i organised them in the canteen and as usual, they formed a circle and started playing games. they just dont seem to get tired of games... almost everyone was there except for a few..
was really touched when they sang the "happy song" for limin and i. i dont know... but in a way, it sort of tells me that we've not failed as an ogl, and for the past few days, all the times and effort, and my lost of voice, are worth it.
the rain was a spoiler, so had to resort to wet weather programme in the end. held the 'campfire' in the hall, and the j1s were supposed to sit according to their house. hm... most of them sat with the ogs instead. my og was already gathered at one corner before limin and i knew it. saw one of them, and suddenly i saw the whole OG.
sang and play along whatever things the councillors want us to do. but sad to say, the campfire was really far from successful. the songs were a big flop, they didnt even sang "at the beginning" correctly. my og was so sianz lorz... they were all looking at the lyrics... ready to sing and ready to cry... but someone was super out of tune and they didnt even get the lyrics right... diaoz.. my whole OG ended up laughing instead of crying...
i think hong meng and kaijin with another friend were quite unlucky lorz... they were sitting beside my og and they were sort of surprised by my og's enthu-ness. hahaha... in the end, the 3 of them also joined us lorz... and we just jumped around, had fun and yupz... sing along. i heard that somone was asking why isnt manying singing.... cos she definitely sound better then whoever is singing out of tune..
this campfire could really have been much better... much, much better... -sighz- but then... well, i guess a lot of us dont really expect a lot too... i feel that it might just have been better if it was organised by the O2 themselves... dont know leyz... at least, orientation 2 was praised and receive a lot of good comments from the people..
my OG definitely felt that the O2 games were better.. they enjoyed it more.. er... ok.. considering that they were damn enthu during the games and scored full points for speed and won 4 out of 5 games, it's pretty hard for them not to enjoy games ah... but the bottomline is, they enjoyed O2 more... i asked a few others around... and they also felt that this O2 is better -sighz- dont even know what i should feel.. cos people usually enjoys 01 more?
had OG outing after the whole thing... hahah... went lot 1 to have dinner and then proceed to CCK park and played with sparkles... haha... took lots of pics with them... then we played games... AGAIN! hahahah... after that, most of them had to go home, so the few of us went to sit outside mac and continue slacking playing truth and truth. hahaah.. crappy lahz... but fun! =) reached home at around 1.30 and almost kana scolded.. but then... heck!
i was surprised... when shawn told marc and i that he dont want the OG to just separate like that.. he hopes that all of us will try and make an effort to go out together.... and maintain this kind of relationship that we have now. -sighz- how i wish it's possible... but then, it's easy for them, and so hard for us... =(
yupz.. and my Og's favourtie phrase.. BE SENSITIVE! haha... all thanx to me ah.. kept saying that when shawn and marc tried to sabo me.... now, everyone is using that whenever possible... it's so diaoz lorz.. =P
but well....
i love Hades. =)
i'm so super tired lorz... 2 days of orientation and i gave my voice to it, totally.
some of the OGLs felt that it was a bit too short, but to me, i think it was still ok. 2 days and a lot of us were already dying, trying to bring the clan together and rushing like mad for telematches.
though it wasnt perfectly planned, but i think for j1s with not much experience at all in planning such a huge event without guidance from the seniors at the beginning, this is really good enough. they might not be the best OGLs or even best stationmasters, but still, they really tried hard enough. felt a bit irritated when farhana sort of lectured them.. it's like... HALO! what position are you in to scold them when you didnt even LIFT A FINGER TO HELP THEM OUT?! aRgH... forget it..
basically, my clan is Olympus and my tribe is called Hades. at first, my whole og was quite sian with the tribename to begin with, but as we played icebreakers, it got better. i think i'm seriously lucky to get a very enthu og. basically, when they played whacko, their whole idea is to whack me. cool right? everything they did was to get me to do forfeit lorz... -_-|||
spotted a few people who dont really feel like coming for orientation the next day due to the talks that they had to sit through on the first day. psycho a bit, and threatened a bit and the next day was pretty ok. had an attendance of 24 out of 31 excluding 2 who are in O2 and 1 who is appealing out. there's one whom i've not seen since the starting of orientation.
i guess the teambuilding games were quite good, cos it really got them going. i dont really know why but the guys just seems to clique immediately. at one of the stations, they truly showed that they have team spirit, cos they were so fast that they were about 6 people ahead of the other tribes. even some of them were amazed by their speed.
this tribe gets bored very easily. the minute you put them at someplace and there is no activity only, they'll either start stoning or ask to play games and have tribe time. i dont think i have ever seen an og like tribe time so much.. at least for the previous orientation, the og 11 dreaded it due to... ya.. hm.. but this og is like super looking forward to tribe time.
played 5 games of telematch and we won 4 out of 5. i think it's also because of this telematch that got them quite 'high'. cheered like nobody's business and we got quite good results for the cheering part too. hahha... with an enthu og, it's not difficult to get them to run like mad across the school compound, so we got full points for the speed category. i think my tribe has the highest score among all the tribes with a score 374. apart from this other tribe who lost to us by a point, the rest didnt get pass 300.
well, the champion clan is of course, none other then dear Olympus. i think we really quite zhuai lorz... ahhaha.. the minute we won only, the OGLs all sat down and rest lorz... it's like finally.. while the other clans' OGLs are still standing and cheering. hahaha...
i think for a lot of them, Olympus is expected to win, cos there are 6 seniors in the clan. but somehow, we also feel that it's not us that contributes the most to this win, it's really everyone's effort. everyone from Olympus played a part in this win. but there's something weird about Olympus.. we have 5 super enthu OGs, but 1 not very enthu clan. damn diaoz lorz...
"do you regret coming for this orientation?"
"no!"
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
dont ask me why this blog cannot be accessed...
i was feeling irritated too -_-
feel like there are lots of things to update..
and yet, i'm tired now..
ok... have been going back to pj to help out in the orientation by being an OGL..
in the same clan as
sok, limin, steve, gav, hana, dorothy, ben and crystal...
not to forget our clanmaster, john.
so far my og, Hades, is pretty good...
the guys are damn good at sabo-ing me lorz..
kaoz... when we played whacko...
they really whacked me one lorz!
but luckily for me,
most of them are really enthu... =)
ok... sure elaborate more another time..
i cmi le..
go sleep le...
hey dearie celest!!!
happy 19th birthday!!!
i'm so sorry that i'm not able to attend your celebration...
i hope you enjoyed the mini gathering =)
heyz!!! see you soon k?
so long never meet up with you le.. =(
miss ya lotz.. =)
Friday, March 19, 2004
itching all over..
having rashes now... =(
-sighz-
think it must be due to crawling on the grass that day.. =(
ArGh!
met up with the few of them to have dinner today...
was supposed to be a freneys' gathering..
but in the end,
there were only addy, izzy, yirang, sok and me.
hm... ya... and yirang, sok and i were so scared that we were late...
that we took a cab down to holland v..
well... that izzy also took a cab lahz..
just that she took it from BUONA VISTA MRT station...
and knowing her...
it's definitely because she doesnt know how to walk from the station to holland v..
that's why she has to resort to taking a cab.
kaoz... and we thought she's like us..
RUSHED down..
the 5 of us went to coffee club for dinner...
ate like pigs.. hahaha
food was quite good..
but this waitress service really SUCKS!
had a good time bitching and talking about a lot of things...
hahaha... basically...
our topic sort of revolves around relationship and sex..
hahaha... it's funny lahz...
and how we analyse the people that came from single sex school...
hahaah =P
we were laughing really loud...
ok... it's basically more of me lahz..
but the rest WERENT soft lorz!!!!
oh.. and before that..
sok and i went to watch THE EYE 2..
it wasnt fantastic lahz..
it was ok...
had more funny moments than scary ones...
think THE EYE was better.. hm...
hahaha.... yupz... a good day basically...
enjoyed myself thoroughly...
and in a way..
to me, i just feel that the awkwardness between izzy and i have sort of disappeared...
and i am glad of it...
i guess this makes it easier and less uneasy to go for gatherings next time..
well, i dont know..
but at least, this is how i feel..
maybe she doesnt feel this way...
well... who knows... =)
just let things be...
"她相信承诺，喜欢一切美好的东西。。。。
她寻找幸福，然后发现，
失望，有时候，也是一种幸福。
因为有所期待，才会失望。
遗憾，也是一种幸福。
因为还有令你遗憾的事情。
她追寻爱情，然后发现，
爱，从来就是一件千回百转的事。"
got this sentence from this chinese novel that i'm reading now...
and i just laugh out loud when i read it...
"男人有时候的确是用他们的小鸟去想事情的。"
felt so much when i'm reading this novel.
just seems to understand every word of the author's
shall try and type some of the passage out another time..
think it's really logical and meaningful.
felt as though i was brought back to the past.
dont want to think about it.
too tired.
this is one of those rare days...
slept from 12 till 12...
12 hours..
haha... sounds very piggish right?
hahaha
picking vibes.
saw all the similarities..
as if things are happening again.
putting all forms of defences in place.
the number seems to be getting bigger,
felt myself shunning all of it.
too afraid, i guess.
i dont want to be entangled in it.
too complicated,
not again.
felt myself feeling more towards this particular soul..
felt myself wanting to know more about him.
something is driving me to KNOW him,
but i guess,
this time my resistance is better.
enough is enough.
oh...
and the not so good thing for me..
"i rolled down the stairs..."
-sighz-
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
experiencing a bit of mixed feelings now...
i dont really know what is happening also...
guess i really got the vibe catching thingy from sok ah...
-sighz-
it's like i didnt even see the person recently,
and yet, i'm able to get bad vibes about her
the minute sok mentioned her name.
-weird-
sok said...
it wasnt a u-turn,
we had a fresh start.
well, maybe..
but i just feel that things are not so drastic ba...
-sighz-
looking forward to a lot of things in a way..
but somehow,
i dont really know what is there to look forward too.
i dont know how to describe what i feel...
haha... it's just a "indescribable feeling"
how i wish i didnt imagine this..
but i guess i'm caught in my own dream again
that feeling felt was just a bit too strong.
struggling too hard to catch my breathe.
thoughts swirled in my mind..
as i tried so hard to bring myself back to reality.
no. it's all my imagination.
it's just a dream not going to come true.
Monday, March 15, 2004
a friend that i got to know in secondary school,
but was never in the best of terms.
fate put us together in jc,
and i thank God for that.
the unhappiness that we once had, is over. it's weird how we never seem to talk about it in details at all. we sort of just let it pass without knowing what exactly happen then to cause us to be 'apart'. but i was glad that it happens, for if things were always so smooth-sailing for us, we might not become the sort of friends that we are now.
through her, i got to know a lot of fantastic and weird people. i know of a fish called linda, a princess called pris, an MCP on the appearance and yet, fragile as it can be gan, a chocolate freak shiyang, spoilt and pampered but yet a good friend limin, forever 3-8 casey, weird weird weird yanjie, an over-achiever and hard-to-guess weide and a no-one-can-ever-understand-fully gavin. oopz, sorry if i missed out someone.
i guess, i do learn a lot from her. in a way, i learn how to see things in a different point of view. i learn how to take things easy and just be satisfied with what i want. with her, i learnt how to just keep quiet and of cos, i'll never dare to spill anything about her. if not, she'll just murder me! how violent! afterall, she once threw her calculator at gav. =X oh... and not to mention the latest happening, vibes catching.
the happy times that we spend together during the first 3 months, with food, food and more food. not to mention the crazy times with mich when she crash pj and started playing the piano in the concourse that caused us both to go and tie qiang. haha... it's so bai chi and how mei you xing xiang... but we were too crazy to be affected. =X
a friend that doesnt need to be in constant contact too often, and yet, the feeling doesnt change when we meet up. it simply means that we need more time to update on each other's life. if i'm a dreamer, she'll be the destroyer. afterall, she always push me to accept reality and burst all my bubbles. =( but the funny thing is.. she likes to live in self-denial. giving herself some hope? ya... FAT HOPE! and her favourite sentence... whatever's meant to be, will be .
life without the presence of sok for these 2 years will be very cold and empty i guess. there were times we have our disagreement in the past, er... i think there was only THAT once lahz.. but after that, we just sort of accept the fact that we can be on the extreme opposite sides on certain issues, and it just doesnt affect the friendship negatively. how weird. it's as though we've reached the point of equilibrium? =P
someone not easily understood, but sometimes, just not that difficult to guess too. one with great patience to tolerate my nonsense at times and not to mention all the whinings and all the complains and stuffs. oh... cannot forget to mention how she'll tolerate my elephant song though it's driving her crazy.. =P she's definitely not selfish well, even when it comes to food. hm.. afterall, both of us throw floats to those who need it. can still remember our throwing floats plan. it was a bit stupid, but still, it was fun making those plans. and of course, the recent great escape that we never carry through though.
i'm glad i am given this friend, who might not have advices or solutions for me all the time, but will just listen to the same old thing again and again. =) with her, i've learnt that grades are definitely not the most important thing in this world.
i guess the series of events that might happen is going to bring us closer? haha.. afterall, we're the only people who caught vibes about it. but of course, i hope that us being even closer is not because of these series of events. hopefully, there'll be a chance that you'll just be able to get out of this and break the 'chain'.
2 years of getting to know each other.. but now, it seems as though we've known each other for more then 2 years. i guess this can also be one of the examples when you said that time is not just time.
thanx girl, for being there when it seems as though the last breathe of hope is gone. *hugz*
Sunday, March 14, 2004
went to smu openhouse with hani, juice and izzy.
the rock bands were giving me a headache.
there werent many people...
think they'll be more today.
went to nus after that.
saw the usual people...
and ya.. felt bad when i left the freneys to join the big mouths for a while
it was like a mini css gathering...
saw a lot of people there...
and we started to talk like there's no tomorrow.
saw leo's girlfriend.
-sighz-
why does it have to be her?
one of the 2 girls that i dont like the most during MEP times..
think she's changed for the better...
but still the frivolous and superficial kind.
went for dinner with ming, hani and juice.
ate at the 3rd level and talked about future plans.
then went to secret recipe to have cakes...
yummy!
haaha.. my cake was the best..
choc cheeze...
hahaha.. but the rest were also good. =)
had fun..
and yesh... we plan to have a freneys' dinner on thursday..
hopefull, it'll work.
ok, and so i got the news.
kaibin, justin and izzy are going back for orientation.
had a bit of mixed feeling at first.
cos i want to avoid awkwardness.
and furthermore, there are enough things to worry about without having to worry about this 'awkwardness'.
hope that things'll be ok.
i surprised myself sms-ing her something like...
"welcome to the orientation group.
it's not going to be a prob..
afterall, it's a long ago matter.
this things just have to end somewhere, somehow,
and orientation might just do the trick."
and sok was "pleasantly surprised" too.
there were 3 things that sort of bound me to pj...
and this is one of them.
to me, it's time to talk it out and just sort out everything.
i dont think i want to keep siam-ing, or dont feel good all the time i see him.
it's time to just let things be settled
well, as i told sok...
even if i have to be the first one to initiate a conversation,
or be the first one to 'give in'...
i'll just have to do it...
cos i dont want to let it be the only thing..
that sort of keep me bounded to something unhappy.
acording to sok.
surprised that after 2 years of shit that i've experienced...
and i'm able to send this kinda of so-not-me-anymore sms.
she felt that i've become someone who lets go too easily now...
and everything sort of just ends with "whatever lorz.."
"anything lorz..."
is it so?
and if so,
is this good or bad?
Saturday, March 13, 2004
-speechless-
conclusion: there was no competition at all.
went back to pj for its talentnite.
no wonder when i reached only...
someone already told me...
not really worth watching..
a bit disappointed..
-sighz-
well, yirang was the guest performer...
and as usual...
she's good lorz.
with a few cheats here and there...
hahaha =P
surprisingly, i find myself missing theresa.
and this time,
the xiao gua that i actually miss the most is zaikia.
what a change of things.
was on the phone with sok for 4 hours.
haha... record.
talked about lots of things...
mostly about orientation
made some plans and some changes...
hope that things will be fine.
i guess i'm selfish.
cos in order to protect 1,
i might be making it at the expanse of others.
-sighz-
well... had fun with limin, linda and sok.
hahaha... had a 'toilet meeting'..
and make fun of stupid things...
hahahaha...
it's glad to have them with you...
when everything already seems so bleak.
coincidence.
is it?
how can thing be so coincidental?
it's getting more and more creepy by the minute.
the chain of events will happen if it's really so.
that feeling.
it was so strong,
that it just struck me.
it's not even a gradual realisation.
find myself keeping a distance and minimal contact right after that.
as i told sok...
it's sad that i have this resentment when i got that feeling...
because it isnt supposed to be like that.
but i dont want history to repeat itself.
i have enough of 'what for's to last me a long long time.
and it just seems that things sort of started out this way too in the past.
and then came the series of events.
maybe hang out with sok too often...
starting to catch vibes.
and for once,
i am glad that i caught this vibe.
i dont want to catch myself in the same shit
just like a month ago...
next year.
starting to take things easy..
and that least i would want
is to begin history..
again.
everything happens for a reason.
and when it happens twice,
it simply means you have not learn the lesson
or know the reason yet.
Friday, March 12, 2004
ok.. and so yirang just went home from my place...
kaoz.. we spent like 4 hours trying to settle the song that she's singing tomorrow.
it might not be the perfect performance...
but it's definitely a 200% effort...
well, wait till you look at the 'thing' in my hands tomorrow...
and you'll understand why...
almost slaughtered her...
as usual...
she's one troublesome woman that always need me to make a lot of changes for her...
we havent really gone through it once..
shall go through it once or twice tomorrow in school before the actual performance..
should be able to pull it off...
*cross fingers*
read an entry that a friend wrote...
and felt so much for that entry.
agreeing with everything that she said.
it's as though someone had put my thoughts into words in her blog..
how i feel all along...
it's not as though everyone can understand...
but at least...
i know that there is one who do understand
Thursday, March 11, 2004
it rained the whole of monday. so sucky. stuck in school. came to school in the rain in the morning, and i dont really mind. afterall, i love to walk in the rain, it's just that it's still early for that day, and i have lessons. walked in the rain again on my way home. and i love it. caught a cold, but i think the feeling that i got from it is worth that cold =P
nothing much happened recently. leading a monotonous life cos of the fixed routine. but there'll definitely be interesting things happening everyday. was so irritated by yiu wing yesterday that i seriously blow my top and was in a serious sarcastic mood. managed to finish marking the class history workbook *big smilez* tough job.
felt so much, and yet hard to put into words. had a flashback in the morning. dont really know. it just came suddenly. was practically stoning my way through half of the morning assembly.
went to celebrate sok's bday with her. so sorry that i actually doze off during the movie. =( i was too tired... but still, it was no excuse. haiz... it was a good show, but the pace was a bit slow for me. went to nydc and had mushroom monster while trying to recall the names of the people in our class. hahah... had to call ming in the end to ask her for that one name that the both of us just couldnt remember.. =P think sok's still out with song now.. haha... having a good time.. while i just came back from spanish class. realise that it's really time for me to revise.. cos there are so many things that i dont seem to understand. =(
hey dear sok..
happy happy 19th birthday, you OLD WOMAN! =P
hope that you'll be less mean,
and of cos, les JEK ARK!
hahha... thanx for the things that you've done for me...
and being my consultant all these while...
we've come a long way definitely...
and it's not even half the journey... =)
lalla... take care!!!
adapted this from yan's blog... hope you dont mind..
just feel that this is inspirational, and there are a lot of people who doesnt understand it sometimes.
Why hold someone back... when u know u don't love them...
Why keep them to yourself... when u know you won't wanna have them?
Why let them miss other chances...when they can have them?
If you really don't love someone....let them go...hurt them NOW... Not later...for a longer relationship builds stronger emotions...
A good relationship isn't a game you play or an ego trip you take.
It is about love and two people.
Loving someone can give us the greatest joy we can ever know and it can hurt more than we can believe too. When it does not really hurt when that person did something disappointing to you, but really hurts when you see that person in pain and sadness, then you know you truly love that person.
Loving someone means you should be ready to experience heartache and happiness at the same time. That's the reward and that's the risk. Unless we are willing to experience it, we will never really know what it's like to love and be loved. Sharing love is probably the most valuable and meaningful experience a person can ever have.And there's a difference between being in love with someone and loving someone. It's the difference between a love that's fickle,wild and short-lived and one that's tender and passionate ,nurturing and lasts a long time. The first is easy. The second, the one that really matters to all of us, takes work because it's about keeping a relationship.
Loving someone takes efforts. We have to be able to communicate with each other. Nobody can read anyone else's mind. We always presume that our Partner knows what we think and feel. Maybe in time we might be able to predict or sense each other's thoughts but it's never perfect and takes time to develop. Getting the chance to love and be loved by someone is blessed. Respect him/her for who he/she is, and not what you want him/her to be. Everyone is pretty and special in his/her own special way. No one is perfect. It is true love which closes the gap of imperfectness to form a smooth surface of acceptance for each other. True love sees and accepts a person for who he/she is. It is also true love which makes a person change for the better. The power of true love to a person is undeniable. A relationship needs commitments too. What is love without commitments from each other anyway? It's like principles and values. Everyone has them but they only mean as much as we are willing to stand for them. The same goes for our commitments to relationships, and the person we love.
"Love is like an antique vase. It's hard to find, hard to net, but easy to break." Every day everywhere, people fall in love ... but just how many of these relationships are self-sacrificing love, and not just relationships which are formed only for the intense! feeling of falling in love? I know hundreds of friends who say the magical words "I love you"... but more often than not, the truth is just I am IN love with you. There is a difference between being in love with someone and loving someone. If a person says he/she is in love with you, he/she means that he/she likes you for who you are now and he/she fell in love with you because of the present you. This kind of love is temporary and lasts only as long as the fairytale lasts. When fairy godmother comes in at midnight to whirl us back to reality, we see the heartache of such a relationship... where both were only IN love with each other. But if a person says he/she loves you, he/she means that he/she lo! ves you unconditionally for who you are now, who you were in the past and who you might be in the future. When he/she says he/she loves you and really means it,you have to ask yourself if you love him/her too or if you're in love with the idea of being in love. It is very hard to see the difference through logical thinking. Let your heart guide u. May you be blessed on your soul-searching journey = for your soul mate.
**The greatest regrets in our lives are the risks we did not take.**
If you think something will make you happy, go for it.
**Remember that we pass this way only once.**
YoU cAn'T mAkE sOmEoNe LoVe YoU, aLl YoU cAn Do Is Be SoMeOnE wHo CaN bE lOvEd, ThE rEsT iS uP tO tHe PeRsOn To ReAlIzE yOuR wOrTh~
it's not what you want it's what you receive."
- Koh Beng Leng
got this from a book when i was in kino some time ago... think it's just so right? hm... ya... back in my thinking mood...
Tuesday, March 09, 2004
what a day! and so it's better then i expected it to be. good for me.
shucks! havent prepare notes for tomorrow's class... jia lat... -sighz- shall just play games then if i feel like it...
like a dozen students asked me about my results today... and i just told them anyway. i think they were surprise by my nonchalence to it.. haha... well, i was surprise too... when they asked me questions like why i didnt do as well as lixin and xuan they all... i just simply gave them a shrug and... "so?"
i guess teachers are really sensitive creatures. if even gary cheng can just keep quiet and not ask me about my results until the end of the day... hahah.. i think it goes to show how black my face is today? but not possible leyz... i was still laughing all the way lorz.. guess, someone had already sort of gave warning before i went in?
it's just like when geraldine asked me why am i not affected by my grades... i didnt know why too... guess it's because, somehow it just doesnt seem very important to me. it just doesnt have any significance.. -sighz- dont even know why i'm feeling this way... but then.. i dont think it's a bad thing also..
arGh!! sometimes, i just feel like murdering that geraldine.. she's really getting on my nerves... and i think if kiam heard another 'benjamin'.. she'll simply snap at her lorz.. test my patience sorely, and you'll regret lorz.
i think gan's worried about me or something? hahah.. it's weird when you receive nice nice forwarded sms 2 or 3 nights in a row. hahaha... haiz... and ya.. was touched by loo's sms. hope he's feeling a lot better. -worried-
even when ultimately mrs ong, mdm chang, mr cheng came to ask me about my results.. i was also feeling ok about it. i think mrs ong was quite surprised by my atitude towards my rotten results.. hahaha... but then... as i told my students.. "it's just results.. what's the big deal?"
felt different, cos in the past, i will never look at results in this light. but now, results are merely alphabets to me. it just doesnt hold much significance. there's so much in life that doesnt require results, that results wouldnt help. and for me, those are definitely more important.
if anyone asked me if i've wasted 2 years of jc life when eventually i got nothing out of it, i will say no. i got something out of it. i learn things about life that teachers dont teach. i learn to look at things in different perspective. and somehow, these, derives greater satisfaction then results. results are just added bonus.
continued...
Sunday, March 07, 2004
is there anything that i'm SUPPOSED to feel?
is there anything that i'm SUPPOSED to do?
if yes, why so?
if not, then why must you make me feel like this?
woke up at around 1. was in a daze initially. didnt want to think about it though it kept coming back to me.
addy sort of woke me up damn early in the morning... at around 7. aiyoz.. but ya.. thanx for your concern. had a good talk with melia just now. think we were on the phone for about an hour. it's been some time since we last talk on the phone. it feels good. i was really shocked when i saw her number flashing on my handphone. i knew what she would be asking me, and at that time, i felt like i'm just like this answering machine or this taping recorder that kept rewinding and play. everyone's asking the same questions, and getting the same answers from me. apart from a few, the answers are most likely going to be the same. called ming after i put down the phone with melia. though i'm in worse shit then ming, but i think she's having a tough time too. glad that she's alright.
had a rather weird talk with yirang yesterday. ya... i miss the freneys, miss a lot of things, but too tough. no, i cant pretend that i've never walk out and just walk right in as though things were still the same. sorry girl... but i just cant do it. no use pretending.
as i walked out of school yesterday, i realised that a week teaching in css has do me some good. it kept my mind off a lot of things, it made me realise a lot of things. sort out a lot of things that were troubling me all these while. and it is all these, that tells me that i've let go of what i thought i cant, unknowingly, subconsciously. it's sad to know that it's actually so easy to get over things, but it just have to be this way.
i can feel the breathe of love surround you
a life so pure and so blue
how we will grow
as the million dreams will dance around you
over the stars past the moon
one day i will tell you
remember in the years all this time
moving through the pages of life
you have been a joy to me
blooming in the sun and the rain
holding you through laughter and pain
as you danced i delight
i have loved you all this time.
i am amazed
in the morning light of God's creation
he reached from Heaven to me
sweet miracle
as he placed a flame of life inside him
carried an angel to me
give my soul a melody
remember in the years all this time
moving through the pages of life
you have been a joy to me
blooming in the sun and the rain
holding you through laughter and pain
as you danced i delight
i have loved you all this time
- all this time by Sandi Patti
the song that was sang for ferd during the cest la vie 2004. a really nice song with meaningful lyrics.
Saturday, March 06, 2004
dont ask me for my results, cos i most probably wont say it. or i should just say that no point asking.
my results: i didnt fail any of my subjects, but it's not good enough to get me a definite place anywhere.
i was disappointed, cos my maths seriously fell below my expectations and land me in a dilemma. not COMPLETELY in the middle of nowhere, but not EXACTLY having somewhere to go. -sighz-
felt very touched by a few people today.
1. my mum. i think by hanging up her calls 4 times really gave her a scare till she had to sms me and tell me.. "belle, how is results? if you didnt do well retake again." -sighz- i think it's really the first time in my whole life that i didnt receive any reprimands from my mum at all, when i didnt do well for my exams. especially when this is such a major one.
2. i received a sms from tao yesterday night wishing my good luck. it's been a really long time since we last sms-ed each other, especially due to our forgetfulness, it has sort of put a strain in our friendships. i was even more touched when she took the initiative to sms me just now and tell me about her results, at the same time, asking me what i got, and if i'm ok. simple, but sweet.
3. have to thank jun for giving me that hug that i needed so badly but couldnt get it from anybody. it was a hug that i needed for me to really cry it all out. initially, i thought that that hug would be enough, and would have given me the chance to cry it all out, cos it was getting so unbearable that my head actually started spinning. but i was so wrong. it was no longer a hug that gave me comfort anymore. fortunately i went to meet jun after that, if not, think i would have suffocate to death.
4. have to thank xuan too for listening to me and wasting her minutes. i didnt know who to talk to, didnt even know who to call, and she was the first that came to my mind. i could have told another, talked to another, but too bad for me, the person just wasnt available.
hey big mouths and freneyz... congrats to those who have done well... am really happy for all of you... =) the big mouths especially... i think all of you had done really well... am really happy for bee and xuan, not to mention jun, jenni and hanwei and tao. and ya... bear and qiujie. heaved a sigh of relief for yien... cos history DID NOT repeat itself. not to forget bec n huifen... disappointed for giam.. but it's ok. you'll still make it. =)
as for that special someone, dont despair. there's definitely something that you can do about it.. there are definitely other ways to go about it. i know it's hard to accept it, but it's out. start to think about your next step, start making plans, and we'll all think of some way to make it in the end. i'm sorry that i cant be there for you now, but it's only physically. call me up or we meet up during this week after my work k? then maybe we can have a talk or something... you take care k? *big big hugz*
Friday, March 05, 2004
it's 3 hours before meeting my doom.
dont know what to feel.
quite daze since the minute i woke up.
saw the look on the others' faces
who knows what to expect?
at least, i dont know.
-sighz-
what a complicated day.
suddenly, i begin to realise
how the teachers feel when these things happened.
Thursday, March 04, 2004
in the staffroom now...
was originally trying to get my spanish worksheet done,
but end up checking all the nonsense instead.
simply have no patience for it,
cos i missed the last class,
and i sort of forgotten everything about it.
DAMN!
i'm DEAD!
have been discussing about alternative plans and the results with people around me nowadays.
and i seem so lost.
what plans can i have?
-sighz-
gan was telling me that he's planning to retake..
yux!
the thought of retaking this stupid exams drove me crazy.
dont think i can take it.
but...
-sighz-
suddenly, i miss song song leyz...
hahaha...
well, hm..
think the next time i see him online or something...
he'll still be complaining about the fact that i didnt buy him flowers the other day...
-sighz-
in the first place...
i bought none of those flowers lorz..
it was the rest who bought it...
i didnt know lorz... =(
1/6 drove me crazy the other day...
and yet they are the best today...
of cos, with the exception of yiu wing...
he is really "digging his own grave"...
but apart from him,
the rest of the class is still ok...
hope that things will be better tomorrow with 1/7...
the noisiest class that i've ever been to.
oh... and 2/1 today was quite good too.
but li wei told me that they arent like that usually.
hahaha.. too bad...
cos i went into class with a super black face today.
more noise, and they'll be out of the class. =P
spanish class later...
my grave.
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
Skies are dark
It's time for rain
Final call, you board the train
Heading for tomorrow
I wave goodbye to yesterday
Wipe the tears you hide your face
Blinded by the sorrow
How can I be smiling like before
When baby you don't love me anymore
Chorus:
Say it isn't so
Tell me you're not leaving
Say you've changed your mind now
That I am only dreaming
That this is not goodbye
This is starting over
If you wanna know
I don't wanna let go
So say it isn't so
Tempt to find but at least we've tried
We're still alive with hopes this time
As they closed the door behind you
We're so alone and time stands still
Shake the ground beneath the wheels
as I wish I'd never found you
Wohoh
How can I be smiling when you go
Will I be strong enough to carry on
Chorus
Miles, miles to go
Before I can sail
Before I can nail my love for you to sleep
Oh darling
I get miles, miles to go
Before anyone will ever hear me laugh again
Chorus
i feel like looking back,
walking back.
pride has never allow me to do that,
no matter what or who.
and stubborness just adds to it.
crap.
***
there are times when you find it so hard to just look away.
ever trying so hard...
it's time to make some decisions..
have plan Bs..
think of alternatives...
ARGH!!!
this is all so stress!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
what the fuck!
