Tuesday, October 28, 2003
a sick belle = an unhappy belle = a grouchy belle = a whiney belle = an easily irritable belle = a quick tempered belle = stay clear!
Saturday, October 25, 2003
was going through my handphone just now to delete some unneccessary calender notes i left. came across this and it got me thinking for a while.
i can still remember how it all began. one fateful sentence was all it takes to end this whole soap opera. it woke me up, seriously woke me up. telling me that maybe it just wasnt important enough. it just doesnt mean enough. now that it's over, you cant help but wonder if this is exactly the right thing, but at least for now, people are leading the life that they want to. right or wrong, it doesnt matter.
hani says i'm hard-hearted. i dont even know how to explain to her. gave up explaining. for what? arent things ok now? i wanted to do this right from the beginning, but didnt manage to do so. but now that i've set my mind to it, and did what i wanted to, isnt this the best for everyone? can still remember the times when gav asked me the questions, and i just ignored him and avoided answering. all the silent treatments and staring into space. ignored hani completely when she asked that super sensitive question. why do you need to know? it doesnt matter anyway. all's in the past. it's no longer important. why know? when it doesnt change things; when it doesnt makes a difference.
ming said i looked happy with all the others now... do i? maybe.
they will never understand, never know why things are like that now... me and my stupid logic anyway as qq often calls it. well.... never mind.
haix... just realise that his words were directing at me... well, does it matter? no, it doesnt. i've done all i have to. and i do know she's in good hands.
past.
gone.
keep looking ahead...
dont look back.
it doesnt makes a difference anyway...
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
damn!! i'm so super pissed lorx!! and you wanna know why?? just go read my fod, *sate||ites*, the entry "teardrop" and the notes left by this someone, and you'll know why!! it's soooo damn bloody irritating!!
i just cant stand it lorx!! it's not the criticism k?!! it's the things that he said lorx... said what he knows me personally and know all the things that i've done to hurt that someone. who the hell is that someone??!! fark it lorx! kaox... when have i ever hurt a friend purposely?? and for goodness sake lorx... there is only one person that i can think of whom i've hurt lorx... but isnt it over? kaox.... if he is who i think he is... there's definitely going to be war lorx.
kaox... i seriously dont think i've ever done anything purposely to hurt a friend lorx.. damn it lahx! i seriously dont think so lorx... kaox.. and that person ask me to be more understanding and spare a thought for others?? when have i not spare a thought for others?? especially when it comes to friends?? kaox kaox kaox... best lahx!!
if you think that i'm super mean to you, not nice to you, and never spare a thought for you, not concern about you, dont care for you, never treat you as a friend.. then please do me and yourself a favour.....
Monday, October 20, 2003
went to the esplanade for the Budak Pantai concert today. it was really fantastic!! they are really good. i was truly mesmerised by them lorx... and yesh... just like yan jie, i'm now a big fan of them!! hahaha... they are really the best acapella group that i've heard so far. =) i think sok really missed a very good performance. luckily, though i was late, i was still able to get in, and yesh.... become part of the 'choir'. it was so embarrassing.. but it was a totally different experience. =)
went to far east with gan after that and he brought me to this shop right at the top storey to have really good fried dumplings. yum yum... hahaah damn!! starting to have a crave for it... *sighz* hm... the price is really reasonable and the food is quite good lorx. hm.. heard the words 'tom yam' from one of the customers... and my mind was back to thaiexpress.... aiyoz.... *shakes head* must shake all those thoughts away.
we met up with gav in je to have dinner. well, he had dinner, while we just sat there and talk lahx... as usual, we'll go and play my favourite game. =) although there's no weide or jem today, there's gan lahx.. though he's not much of a help lahx. there were 9 different buttons, and he's only in charge of one lorx. and he still end up getting the most numbers of 'bad' lorx. damn kns!!! gan went home first lahx. cos he was feeling super guilty for not studying for the whole day, not that i dont feel so lahx. but knowing me, reach home only, means slack. =( and pls lorx... gan was just deceiving himself lorx... hahaha.. knowing him, he'll just watch the tv, on the com, watch his soccer.. just everything and anything but studying.
bitch for a while in mac before going home. hm.. saw this group of men trying to hail a cab, but none of the cabs was willing to stop, cos they were drunk. then some of them got really unhappy and started to create a scene. kaox... so irritating. was telling gav that limin sms-ed me in the morning to tell me that the bite has turned blue-black. =( kaox.. so guilty lorx... aiyox... sianz.... must be extra nice to limin to compensate for this... or else sure feel super super guilty one... then gav has to add that the other day when i bite him, it also turned blue-black, just that he never say anything... and the worse thing is... i bite him on the same spot the next day.... felt a bit guilty... it's worse then weide's lorx... luckily zk's bloodveins never burst... hahaha... aiyox... pls lahx.. he doesnt have like much available fats to bite lorx...all muscles only... so shitty! bleah!
Saturday, October 18, 2003
left about 24 days to 'A's...
yesh... dear belle is panicking like what the fuck already.
i have tonnes to do...
and i'm barely touching them.
haix... i did some stats today...
damn satisfied with it!
started not knowing anything..
but in the end,
i can at least complete normal distribution and CLT
but my probability still SUCKS!
not thinking much lately...
woo hoo...
but still thinking lahx..
haix... think that bus trips are the best time to think...
random thoughts just keep appearing in my mind..
well, trying to keep my ms to a minimum..
before gav suffocates from having to cope with me...
yesh... mug mug mug mug...
i have to mug...
mug harder...
hey dear celest...
just read your blog... sorry to make you worry...
i'm ok... serious...
dont worry about me ya... =)
i'm hanging on tight...
and when i dont hang on..
i'll just bite lorx... =)
hahaha...
but dont worry.. you are safe from this.. =)
you jia you too k....
miss ya lotx!!!
*hugz*
hesitations..
hesitations..
and more hesitations..
something about tomorrow reminds me of something in the past..
-sighz-
just came across by chance...
and i realise that it's just so ultra connected..
and yet, we didnt bother to do anything about it.
i guess, it's just super clear isnt it...
we cant survive in the same world..
felt a bit sad when i think about it...
but does it matter?
no, it doesnt.
felt myself becoming this heartless creature that hani says i am..
and does it matter?
no, it doesnt.
change.
it's just part and parcel of life.
ming called me a heartless woman..
well, maybe so..
i dont know..
i guess, nobody has ever call me that in the past..
but now, it has somehow become me.
just numb and emotionless i guess...
what's there to feel?
close it all up.
sort of 'lectured' jem about this the other day...
ha! aint i doing the same thing??
hm... well... ok...
maybe i'm a bit better...
at least i've confronted it a thousand and one times..
before i gave up.
feel a part of me slowly dying inside..
gradually closing up..
and i dont really care.
does it even matter?
no, it doesnt.
didnt even bother to talk about it sometimes.
in the past,
i'll still rattle on and on..
complaining and complaining...
now, silence seems the best.
but well, i'll still complain about the small small things lahx.
even dear lz cant do anything with me sometimes.
well, seems like i've picked up a point or two from weide and sok ah...
having a golden mouth.
sometimes,
i cant help but wonder why am i even here..
feel like a devil in disguise.
messing up people's lives..
and being a pest.
yucks!
i hate my own existence.
yux!
i hate coming home!
a dead place.
dont understand why my mum keep nagging me to come home early.
fuck!
she's already asleep when i'm home lorx.
come home and wat?
stare at my four walls and stone right?
well... addy would probably nag at me and study..
but well, it's not the same thing lorx..
this bloody place is just so dead.
woke up in the morning only..
i'll be thinking of a place to go...
so that i can get out of her ASAP!
kaox.... and i'll create any damn excuse to stay out as late as possible.
reached home everyday like 22:30..
cos that's the latest that i can go..
before my mum starts to nag again..
if i'm allowed to stay out..
i'll probably not come home.
yux!
i just feel like staying out...
dont wanna stare at the walls and blank out.
dont wanna just keep switching channels on the tv cos i'm so super bored!
dont wanna keep staring at the com to wait for replies..
dont wanna be alone when i'm not alone at home.
dont want this...
dont want that...
yesh... i'm one damn irritating, fussy and bitchy woman!
and do i care?
i dont!
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
does it even matter?
Saturday, October 11, 2003
this song is soooooooooooo nice!!! but it gave me the same feeling when i'm listening to "if you're the one". hm... not much of a variation though, but it's sooooo daniel beddingfield. =)
A man without a soul
A bird without its wings
A heart without a home
I feel like a knight without a sword
The sky without the sun
cos you are the one
I feel like a ship beneath the waves
A child that lost its way
A door without a key
A face without a name
I feel like a breath without the air
And every day's the same
since you've gone away
I gotta have a reason to wake up in the morning
You used to be the one that put a smile on my face
There are no words that could describe how I miss you
and I miss you everyday
yeah
and I'm never gonna leave your side
and I'm never gonna leave your side again
still holding on girl
I won't let you go
cos when I'm lying in your arms
I know I'm home
They tell me that a man can lose his mind
Living in the pain
The call in times gone by
The crying in the rain
You know I've wasted half the time
And I'm on my knees again
'till you come to me
yeah
I gotta have a reason to wake up in the morning
You used to be the one that put a smile on my face
There are no words that could describe how I miss you
and I miss you everyday
yeah
and I'm never gonna leave your side
and I'm never gonna leave your side again
still holding on girl
I won't let you go
I lay my head against your heart
I know I'm home
I know I'm home
I know I'm home
and I'm never gonna leave your side
and I'm never gonna leave your side again
still holding on girl
I won't let you go
cos when I'm lying in your arms
I know I'm home
- never gonna leave your side by Daniel Beddingfield
Friday, October 10, 2003
yesh... got back all my results. it's damn shitty lorx...
geography - F
maths - E
lit - E
gp - E8
best right??!! i actually failed gp... so irritating!!! yesh... have to work very hard now.. it's the last lap already, i cant afford to fall behind anymore.
yesh... run faster, paddle harder... *sighz* there's so much that i've got to do... damn!
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
hm... wow..
after like a week,
i finally get the chance to talk to miffy...
*sighz*
dont know lahx...
wonder when he'll come back and sit with us..
really missed his presence lorx...
*sighz*
the absence is so evident lorx...
feels a bit weird..
when there's only 3 xiao guas,
and the fourth one is missing...
*sighz*
Monday, October 06, 2003
yesh... it's 5th October again... how fast time flies...
nothing much to comment actually... just wanna say...
hey dearies...
take care ya...
*hugz*
Sunday, October 05, 2003
was on my way home from jp when i saw boy on the bus... yey!! hahha... so happy to see him!! hahaha.... i was super glad to see him lorx... after a whole traumatising day... i need a familiar face.
i didnt really know what happened, dont even remember what we talked about, but we were laughing until our stomachs hurt. hahha.... it feels so good to be able to laugh like that. update him about the going-ons in my life.. and he told me about his too... haha... was really having a good time laughing at him. plus he kept saying the wrong things, so i kept pinching him. hahaha... he was really howling in pain lorx... hahha... but he deserves it lahx... who ask him!!!!
seriously cant remember when was the last time i had so much fun with this brother of mine. i guess it was a long long time. i think we mentioned something about zhong se qing you... then he was laughing about it... until i glared at him... he immediately stopped laughing cos he knows he's like that too lorx... hahaha... so he kept apologising and stuff lahx... it's so super funny lorx.
i guess we arent as close as before... but i know that this brother is there when i need him. i can still count on him, and his presence still meant a lot to me.
brothers... i have lots. friends, i have even more. who are true and who are close, i know. friends are for life.. and i know who are with me for life... brothers? well... apart from two which i seriously dont feel like keeping.. *sighz* the rest will be there when i need them... they've shown me and i know it.
Saturday, October 04, 2003
well, mr yeo read this out in class... it's from last years AC paper 8 i think. hm... it somehow reminded me of something... haha... well, was looking for it, and saw it on addy's fod... i hope she doesnt mind... =) thanx freney...
Her scarf ?la Bardot,
In suede flats for the walk.
She came with me one evening
For air and friendly talk.
We crossed the the quiet river,
Took the embankment walk.
Traffic holding its breath,
Sky a tense diaphragm:
Dusk hung like a backcloth
That shook where a swan swam.
Tremulous as a hawk
Hanging deadly, calm.
A vacuum of need
Collapsed each hunting heart
But tremulously we held
As hawk and prey apart.
Preserved classic decorum,
Deployed our talk with art.
Our juvenilia
Had taught us both to wait,
Not to publish feeling
And regret it all too late -
Mushroom loves already
Had puffed and burst in hate.
So, chary and excited
As a thrush linked on a hawk,
We thrilled to the March twilight
With nervous childish talk:
Still waters running deep
Alone the embankment walk.
- Seamus Heaney
Friday, October 03, 2003
hm... was pondering about how i should start to study..
i know it's time to seriously mug...
this is the last lap..
what more do i expect?
sok kept asking me..
so what's your studying plans?
-sighz-
and i've yet to come out with a time table lorx...
fine! i shall go make one later...
have to seriously seriously instill some self-discipline in me...
or else i'm just so gonna flunk my 'A's...
and i'll go crazy if i do that!
dont wanna waste 2 years of my life for nothing...
dont wanna go through all the same shit again..
i've had enough.
i just wanna get out of there...
erm.. well... should i say..
i just wanna get out of there with results that i can once again throw it on people's face?!
hmrPf!!
well.... gAm-Ba-TE!!!
Thursday, October 02, 2003
was listening to the cd that yien burnt for my birthday.
hm... it brings back wonderful memories.
made me teared in the bus.
*sighz* i was trying to control lorx...
until the song WE ARE ONE was played..
aRgH! and that was it.
*sighz* it's almost like the class' theme song?
hahaha... cos of that play, i supposed.
hm... well, was too emotional liaox...
sianx...
went to watch movie with the usual...
watched A Tale Of Two Sisters.
hm... heyz... it's not THAT scary lahx..
definitely not to the extent that song and qq described to me.
kaox... but some parts were gross lahx..
hm... was taking turns grabbing lengzai's and mei nu's hands lorx..
*sighz* think i a bit tui lian lahx..
but if i had watched the show with becca, yien and huifen...
well, THAT would be a DIFFERENT story. haha~
hm... bought food and went to the playground at karen's place..
had some fun...
talked a bit..
and ya... enlightened pris about the 'pearyl' thingy..
hahaha...
enjoyed myself...
though i know that i should be studying..
*sighz*
ok... cannot procrastinate liaox...
can feel some people having the urge to shake me hard and wake me up.
hahaha...
*sighz*
but dont know why...
just feel a bit down...
seems to lack of a certain feeling in me..
it just keeps plaguing me...
*sighz*
never mind...
shall just rot in hell...
Wednesday, October 01, 2003
got back some of my results today... and i guess i got what i deserve? except for maybe maths and gp.. -sighz- forget it... nothing to complain about...
hm.. meet up with xuan, celest and yien for a while. it's not exactly a meet up lahx... it's more of cos yien has to pay his bill, and the post office is closing soon, so he needs me to help him pay through my atm. met at jp. well, wanted to check out xuan's coffeebean boy... but, too bad, he's not working today. felt a bit disappointed cos she was going on about him again and again to the few of us... or maybe just repeating the same things to different people... haha~ =X
i was soooo glad to see celest. it's been really long since i last saw her... i was pretty surprised, cos yien didnt tell me that she would be there... =) hm...
oh... how can i fail to mention that before that i saw emily and yiling when i was on my way to jp... hahaha... and when i was at the interchange, i saw lilian!!!! hahah~ WOO HOO!!! it feels so good.... haha... i became quite hyper suddenly... hm... too excited i guess... haha
maybe it's just coincidence or what... but it's always at times like this, that i'll see them on the streets.... making the day a better one... =)
