Thursday, July 31, 2003
ok... was on the phone with guang huang just now.
as usual, he always called me when he's troubled with matters of the heart. =)
haha... sometimes, i just think that it's quite funny
when he likes to ask someone who has not really experience with all these matters of the heart thingy... aha!
hm.. asked him a few embarrassing questions also...
it's not as though i'm really interested or what,
just like to disturb him and ake him pai seh lahx. haha~
hm.... missed him lots.
it's been a year since i last saw him?
haha.. *sighz*
ok... shall go out with him when he finally has time for me. =)
suddenly a picture just form in my mind
a very colourful one
bright colours with smiles all over..
a picture that doesnt have me.
weird thoughts formed in my mind
it's not right to think like that
but you cant help but feel like that.
feel like being invisible for a while.
*****************************
tu ran zhi jian, gan jue zai yi sha na jian shi qu le hen duo dong xi
ke neng, yi qian mei hao hao de zhen xi,
suo yi xian zai cai zhe yang.
wo hao xiang xuan zhe le fang qi hen duo dong xi qu bu jiu yi yang
mei you xi wang de shi qing.
wo dui hen duo ren do hen bu gong ping.
wo hen xiang yi shi qu le fen xi qing zhong de neng li.
wo zhi neng guai zi ji,
yuan bu de ren.
xuan ze zou shang yi tiao mei you ming tian de lu.
zai lu de tu zhong,
cai fa xian,
wo ba suo you de dong xi do fang shou qu bo le,
shi qu yi yang,
ye jiu ke neng hui shi qu yi qie..
ren jia shuo...
ru guo ni ai ta jiu ying gai rang ta zou.
wo xiang,
wo zhen de........
Wednesday, July 30, 2003
went back to school after going to town cos i was craving for prata dinner.
today we have a slightly bigger group.
there's gan and philip. =)
haha... the 2 idiots!!! damn funny!
well, and the best thing is..
smarto me guessed correctly what is going on with the slightest hint from gan
hahaha... *griNz*
had some fun teasing all of them.
*sighz*
feels that life is so much easier when i'm with them.
it's not difficult to just laugh,
and forget about everything for the moment,
and enjoy myself.
have been reaching home rather late lately,
got scoldings from mum,
but i just heck it.
they dont bother me at all.
in fact sometimes,
i just dont feel like going home.
stare at the 4 walls of my room,
and my mind will start to think again.
what's going on with me?
feel myself slipping into depression as days passed...
*sighz*
i'm such a loser....
talked to gan and philip outside the council room.
we talked about a lot of things
anything about life...
philosophies of life.
what they said are just what everyone said.
i know they are right,
just that stubborn me cant change my thinking.
sinking into depression by the second when i talked to them.
was squabbling somehow,
due to the different opinions that we have.
gan went off cos i teased him being tonedeaf.. oopX!
left philip and i sitting there, talking.
he went into the room and took out a guitar and started singing.
haha... i must say that he sounds quite nice too... haha
well, the lyrics of the song just made me think of a lot of things.
tears welled up,
and to avoid embarrassing myself,
i told him that i'm going for a walk around the track.
the minute i reached the track,
i simply let go.
the burden is too heavy.
things flooded my mind
start to think about the happy days back in css,
the carefree times when we are still problems free
dried my tears and brace what's to come.
no one can help me apart from myself.
if i choose to dwell in it and sink into depression,
no one can save me.
gavin looked at me with a helpless look on his face.
and asked me what's wrong.
*sighz* dont know what to tell him also..
i looked up into the sky,
hoping that i can see some stars.
but it's too cloudy tonight,
and even the brightest star is blocked.
have a feeling that the light of my life is dying soon..
wonder if lightsticks even helped a little?
sidetracked a bit...
i just realise that my right hand has 5 blue blacks.
great right?!
Tuesday, July 29, 2003
when she alights the bus,
those glaring lights,
and speeding cars,
as though rushing for time..
zoomed pased her without even looking back.
well, she doesnt mind at all.
everyone has got their own pace of life,
and maybe she just prefer to take things a bit slowly.
rambling thoughts filled her mind,
the pain that it brings,
unbearable.
"you'll never know how precious it is,
until you've lost it."
isnt that what they always say?
maybe she just prefers to lock herself up in her own world.
enjoys the peace and serenity.
she might not like loneliness nor darkness,
but sometimes,
loneliness is there too when she's amidst a crowd.
standing under the sun,
doesnt mean that your world is not dark.
why feel when all is just hurt?
stop feeling for a while and let that poor heart of yours,
take a break.
was on my way home when i saw a woman selling light sticks.
bought a pack from her.
think i'm gonna need it soon,
real soon.
hahah... i think i'm weird
at times in the night,
whenever i feel real down or simply in depression,
i'll break one of the light sticks,
and stare at it till i fall asleep.
i think silly me was just hoping that
it doesnt only light up the room,
but somehow light up my life too.
where's the light i need when i'm surrounded by darkness?
where's the light i need when i'm losing my way in darkness?
maybe i just enjoy being in the dark.
enjoying life,
alone.
Monday, July 28, 2003
reached home not very long ago... went out with izzy in the afternoon, and as usual, i was late for half an hour. oopX! didnt really know where to go... so in the end, decided to go town. took 105 and remember that i need to buy some paper from holland V, so alight there and went to look for that pathetic shop. well, i had no idea where the shop was, so we made a fruitless trip in the end. walked the whole of holland v before we went to take a bus and continue our way to town. =)
hm... went to centre point to look for it, but didnt know what the paper is called, so didnt get it in the end. we decided to go heerans and take neoprints. wah~ saw harlem for his autograph session... he looked quite funny actually... went to take neoprints twice... i think it looks good leyz... haha... something different for a change. i like it leyz... hehe~
hm... went to taka to grab a bite when i sms-ed weide and asked him how he is. well, he's all the way at kallang lorx... *sighz* enjoying the sea breeze as he puts it... hm... than girl suggest that we go for steamboat so i asked weide and leng zai along lorx... hm... must have at least 2 guys lahx... or else the 1 guy will awkward one. wanted to ask sok along... but i think somehow... she needs a break lahx... *sighz* hope she's ok...
well... as usual, the two of us were late... 20 mins late in fact. haha.. the por guys were sitting on the floor looking extremely hungry lorx... gavin looked as though he's just going to fall asleep any minute... he looked so cozy beside the bin for TODAY lorx.. hahah... and as usual, weide was stoning. haha~ hm....
wah~ we didnt really ate a lot lahx... but i assumed that we do have lots of fun rite?? hm.... =) well, weide taught me how to cook egg omelette... hahaha.... wah~ i tried a few times before i finally got it lorx... than the 3 of them were liek giving me faces... so shitty! hm... had fun quarreling with gavin also... forever critising whatever i do... kns... ohhh!! did i mention that izzy wore skirt today?? hahaha... she looked good lahx... but a bit funny too... cos of the way she walked. than she had to act demure and stuff.... hahaha... i think she's not going to go out with me anymore lorx. =( cos today i made her walk around and stuff... and the WORSE thing was.... we had to chase after my bus when we reached the interchange, cos' it's already very late... and both of us were rushing home... haha~ =X it's just super hilarious... =)
hm...
hey girl....
thanx for spending the day with me..
you really made my day with that skirt of yours... and of cos..
the NOT VERY FUNNY jokes... =)
thanx for the fantastic 9 months together, sister...
sisters alwayz...
*big tight hugz*
Sunday, July 27, 2003
Cause lately it seems
The distance between us is growing too wide
I'm so afraid that you're saying it's over
The last thing that I wanna hear
But if your heart's not in it for real
Please don't try to fake what you don't feel
If love's already gone
It's not fair to lead me on
Cause I would give the whole world for you
Anything you ask of me I'd do
But I won't ask you to stay
I'd rather walk away
If your heart's not in it
You say that you love me
But baby sometimes
You're just saying the words
If you've got somethin' to tell me
Don't keep it inside
Let it be heard
I'm so afraid that you're saying it's over
Girl I'll make it easy for you
But if your heart's not in it for real
Please don't try to fake what you don't feel
If love's already gone
It's not fair to lead me on
Cause I would give the whole world for you
Anything you ask of me I'd do
But I won't ask you to stay
I'd rather walk away
If your heart's not in it
How I wish I could take us back in time
But it's gone too far now we can't rewind
(And there's nothing that I can do To stop me losin' you)
I can't make you change your mind (If your heart's not in it)
But if your heart's not in it for real
Please don't try to fake what you don't feel
If love's already gone
It's not fair to lead me on
Cause I would give the whole world for you
Anything you ask of me I'd do
But I won't ask you to stay
I'd rather walk away
If your heart's not in it"
-Westlife if your heart's not in it
was listening to the mp3 of this song from someone else's blog. this song is simply beautiful. i was totally crazy over it for some time, and now, to hear it again, just bring back the same feelings. it just sounds so sad... the lyrics, tune... everything.
Anything you ask of me I'd do
But I won't ask you to stay
I'd rather walk away
If your heart's not in it"
ok... i must admit... i'm not particularly impressed with all their songs.. except for the last 2 pieces.
but i especially like that "over the rainbow". *sighz* it brings back so much memories... i hope pris didnt see it, but i was almost tearing when they sang it. the lyrics, the tune, and that feeling which is so familiar. it really brought tears to my eyes. 2 years ago, jun and qiujie hugged me and cried so terribly on our grad day... today, i saw jun cried even before the song ended. i feel so happy for her, for qiujie and michelle too... =) it shows that they really enjoyed themselves in choir.
stepped out of the LT and heard jun's voice from somewhere.. haha~ couldnt see her but heard her calling me.. haha~ as she made her way towards me, she didnt even bother to avoid the dustbin, just knock the cover over and hugged me, crying on my shoulders. gave her a big tight hug, cos i think she really needs it plus, i miss her sooooooo much. i dont see her often, in fact, she's one of the people that i dont really see very often. *sighz* still as red as ever... as bubbly as ever. i really miss her. well, by the way, this time, instead of buying the usual flowers, sok and i bought giant pokeys for them.. hahah.... i think it's really cute lorx... and i think they got a shock too... haha... =)
haix... "over the rainbow"... *sighz* still living in the past....
Saturday, July 26, 2003
somehow, i have learnt to forget about my pride for a while and make an effort too.
isnt this a big surprise?
*sighz*
did i really give her a feeling that i want to give up?
hm... i really dont know.
but i dont feel that way at all.
why live in my own world of self-denial?
i know that i dont want to give up that friendship,
how to?
try again and again.
stop for a while, take a breathe, and try again.
will never give up even if i force myself to...
she's not only a friend,
she's my sister.
think that com lab 2 is really a damn unlucky place..
forever not in a good mood when i stepped in there.
*sighz*
and it always rain after the lesson end...
as though symbolic of something.
*sighz*
hm... went dinner with izzy, sok, weide, gavin and guan yong. haha..
had prata again.. so happy!
i think i'm beginning to get addicted to pratas...
oopX!
hm.. yummy~
izzy and i saw this young man sitting in the middle of the interchange singing while playing with his guitar. well, i recognise him. he's the person who is blind and has to sing to earn a living. *sighz* as usual, his nice vocal has drawn a huge crowd standing in the middle of the interchange listening to him.
haha... we were to lazy to stand, so we just sat at the steps. hm... i think patience do pay off lorx. he sang quite a wide range of songs... from the oldies to the very popular songs like zhi shao zou de bi ni zao.
hm... i think someone requested dang ni gu dan ni hui xiang qi shui and as usual, i totally love it. as i was listening to that song, picture of grad day keep playing in my mind. *sighz* it brought tears to my eyes, but they didnt spill lahx. remember all those tears and promises.... *sighz* the tissue that mr yong gave us.. our play.. chocolate making and lots more...
hm... didnt have much money with me than.... but izzy and i managed to empty all the shillings that we have. we were there all the way till he left. *sighz* hope that we'll have more money with us the next time we see him.
went to sentosa with song, jx, qq and izzy.
haha.. well, we had a picnic at palawan beach first,
than went to tanjong beach to swim
enjoy the privacy.
hm.... well, went to play in the sea for a while,
but didnt really feel like staying in there for too long.
wanted to save some calender notes
and realised that i dont have any more memory for it.
read all the past notes that i've left.
everything came back again.
just realised that it's been a year since i like R.
hm... well, time really flies.
deleted a lot of notes that i've left about him,
and a lot of others too.
suddenly, just feel that those notes,
no longer held the significance that they once had.
think about it again,
feel like laughing at myself.
i've predicted everything and expected everything.
the outcome was as expected, wasnt it?
things said was so ironic,
it makes me feel like giving the cynical laugh
whenever i'm being sarca.
my mind,
is as blank as a piece of white paper.
my feelings,
has no variety at all.
what i know and dont know,
doesnt really make a difference.
my heart,
as dead as the night.
Friday, July 25, 2003
hahaha.. it's really an adventure today lorx... in fact, today was just splendid.. =)
first of all, today is really quite special, cos there are 3 people whose birthday is today. amelia, mr a and zhenyao. haha... hm... well, we bought a cake and make this huge poster like thingy for mr A. i think he was really touched lorx.. cos he's not teaching us anymore, but yet, we still remember his birthday. took loads of pictures together today.
hm... well, we decided to celebrate melia's birthday for her today, though she dont sees very interested. haha... she's damn funny lahx! hm... we had quite an adventure lorx... i tell you... we walked along the canal behind the school all the way till 10-mile junction. we were practically just feeding the commando mosquitoes there lorx. there were 8 of us.. melia, ming, addy, hani, siti, izzy, yirang and i. i think we were super funny.. we took pictures with the lalangs with stupid poses using melia's digi and we also took a picture standing on the railway track. haha... we were basically trekking today lorx... as though we were going on some adventure in the jungle. the best part was we came to a long kang and got stuck there cos there is no bridge for us to cross except for some wooden planks. i decided to be the brave one and 'test water'. haha... i managed to cross it with ease lorx... and everyone follow after me. as usual, we just cant resist taking pictures of it and we plit into groups to take pictures of ourselves crossing the long kang. haha... think it was really fun lorx. walked all the way to 10-mile, than realise that the A & W had been closed down long ago. *sighz* what a wasted trip! but there was this damn funny picture. all of us except for melia were scratching our legs. the mosquitoes' bites and the bushes and stuffs make our legs itch. but this melia just have to retain her 'cool' lahx. so irritating! haha.... all of us just keep scratching and scratching, 7 of us in all and when people walked past us, they stared at us as though we were some freaks. sianx.. haha... we were just laughing at one another lorx... haha...
had a fantastic lunch in sakura cuisine. we spent like $81.10 in all. but we had FANTASTIC food. there were lemon chicken, tom yam seafood soup and oyster omelette. haha... as usual, the dessert is gossips. hahaah... finally found out where the rumour about jinshan liking xiuhui came from, told the how hani malu herself and got scolded by khati today... and ming's new nick.. PMS... haha.. i think if she sees this, she's just gonna kill me. haha....
hm... took LRT with addy, ming and izzy. sat at the back there and just stone. haha.. it was really good lorx... talk about things and basically just relax a bit. dont feel like moving after that. was comfortably lying on ming's legs. haha... but she keep accusing me of touching her legs. actually i didnt lorx.. but she's super ticklish so a slight brush only she also cannot take it. hahaha... i attempt to terrorise ming and she was quite traumatised by it lorx. didnt dare to sit beside me in the LRT after that and give me the funny look. haha.. hm... oh... by the way, i made some comments about her on the way, and she was like.... "i dont want to commit murder".. haha... she actually wanted to hit me with her metallic bottle lorx... so irritating!
hm... *sighz* it was really fun today... i really cant stand the way melia talks sometimes.... everything becomes funny when it comes out from melia's mouth. just make all of us feel like laughing especially the way she always emphasise.. "frenys" and when we are running, she's afraid that we'll leave her behind or what... she'll always go "dont worry", thinking that we were worried that she'll leave us behind instead. haha... plus now there's the fat asse, things has become more interesting, and ming and i just cant help irritating her. hahaa~
hm.. yIppEe!
Thursday, July 24, 2003
i think i'm prepared to be eaten up by guilt. *sighz*
i know i was super unreasonable,
and damn rude.
ARGH!!!
so irritating!
**********************************
hm.... feel a certain kind of attachment in me... aiyoz... sianx..
dont know if it's good or bad...
but i like this kind of familiarity.
reminds me of a lot of things... haha...
hm... *sighz*
shall just enjoy myself while i can...
dont dare to sleep nowadays...
haix...
keep having nightmares and woke up in the middle of the night,
crying.
it doesnt help when i dreamt about xuan that day,
and she sms-ed me that night cos she was really frustrated.
*sighz*
haix....
dreams?
no...
nightmares.
Wednesday, July 23, 2003
well, i reached home damn late today. ok... it's late for a school day lorx, 22.30. had dinner with 5 xiao guas. wah... i was the only girl lorx.... cos sok decided to go home... *sighz* hm... felt a bit weird at first, but later, think it's ok lahx...
wah... i a bit scared leyz... have to admit that as i start to go out more often with the 3 xiao guas, i have a feeling that wo hui yue lai yue teng ta men lorx... haha.. plus, leng zai give me a very 'zhenjia' feeling... haha.... think he is a bit like jia lorx.. forever arguing with me one leyz... hm.. than zai kia, hm... quite teng him all along... so it's ok. hm.. oh... and QIAN QIAN... hm... he's funny lahx... plus i enjoy teasing him manx! haha..
haix... it was quite an enjoyable. i guess a day's break is good. i do miss her presence, but at the very least, i dont need to be afraid that there will be an awkward silence. *sighz* the xiao guas keep nagging at me... saying 'days of our lives'. leng zai zhi jie say it's only on belle channel lorx... kns. sat in the canteen by myself early in the morning, and with half an hour, i have 3 people asking me if i feel lonely... hm... and that qian also sms-ed me lorx... so kns lorx! jing cong keep emphasising also... wah!
haix... i think i'm a bit crazy today. half walk and run 3.2km for PE, than stayed till 7 to wait for the xiao guas for dinner. cos i was super free, went to ran 3 rounds around the track. sok ran 2 rounds with me lorx... =) i was lying down and just looking at the sky, trying to find the brightest star, but there was only one star. *sighz* like the feeling of just lying down and looking at the sky. *sighz* the only star was shining very brightly as i was able to see it though there were clouds blocking it. *sighz* was it trying to tell me something? telling me that no matter what happens, it'll still shine for me? *Sighz*
dont wanna think too much.... keep having headache nowadays... didnt sleep well too.... haix...
tears are precious,
and i hope you know how much you mean to me
cos they are for you.
they said..
"sisters might be apart in distance,
but not in heart."
i can tell you,
i wouldnt even give distance a chance.
"u mean so much more to me, even more than a sister.
i'll never regret having u as part of my life"
too...
And you'll always have a part of me.
wah~ this is like the most wasted sunday.
i have one whole day to study,
but yet, i'm at home now.. online. *sighz*
well, went to css mac early in the morning...
cancelled my study date with xuan.
wanted to study maths in mac,
but my damn calculator died on me.
yien wasnt there, jac wasnt there, sing wasnt there.
ok, it's just me.
tried studying geog,
but wah~ just couldnt concentrate,
fall asleep instead.
yux! so pissed with myself.
hm... guess i was so bored when there was only me alone,
so in the end,
when i know that i really cannot focus anymore..
decided to go home.
damn! and it's only like 3 hours there and i gave up.
*sighz* what the f*uck!
what's wrong with me lorx...
damn! sat there, stone for quite some time,
than think think sleep sleep..
ArGH!
so irritated!
well... still wondering if i should go later..
hm... song's not going..
the rest arent really sure...
well, dont wanna end up with a couple...
still had that phobia..
guess maybe i'll just stay at home, rot, slack, wait to die...
than watch my hai you ming tian final episode later..
*sighZ*
dying... dying... dying...
but it's ok...
as though i'll mind dying,
as in really dead,
now.
can rid me of everything...
or should i put it as...
rid everything of me.
HA!
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
hm.... went jp with sok and gavin today. weide and jem joined us later. haha... we ate some really good food lorx... in fact, we went crystal jade for lunch. hahhaa... it's almost like 'happy hour' for sok and i lorx. haha...
the 5 of us were really crapping in crystal jade lorx... plus the constant teasing of gavin being a pretty boy plus other things lahx... hahaha... jem and gavin look like a couple lorx... haha... especially when gavin put his head on jem's shoulder. wah~ sok and i were totally 'disgusted' hahah... it was really hilarious.
met wanqi and her boyfriend when we came out of popular... and she just told that she saw them... should have seen the look on my face - shock plus horror. just cant believe that i'm so lucky. i was still telling sok than that i have this ominous feeling. so shitty lorx. haix... after that, walked around the mall with a sinking feeling, so gavin and weide brought us to the opposite blocks and ate ice-cream instead. hahaha... sat under a block and ate ice-cream till about 19.45 then we leave. hm....
hm.. enjoyed myself lorx.. just laughed when i want to and make some irritating comments when i like it.. *sighz*
thanx sok, for accompanying me today...
and xiao guas, thanx a lot too. =)
*sighz* xin li you hao douo hua xiang shuo de gan jue, ke shi ta men zhi hui zai xin li cong fu de shuo zhe, que cong bu chu kou.
you xu duo xu duo de shi, zai wo nao hai li fan fan fu fu de pai hui. hao xiang yong jiao ba to men di kai, hao rang wo neng chu chun geng you yong de dong xi.
qian yan wan yu,
zong bu zhi cong he shuo qi.
zhi jue de wo bing mei you qian ren he ren shen me,
bu qian ren he ren jie shi.
zhi yao wo zhi dao wo zi ji zai zuo shen me,
jiu hao le,
zu gou le.
ye bu zai hu de bu dao bie ren de liang jie,
ying wei bu shi mei ge ren do neng gou jie sou.
duo shuo ye yu shi wu bu,
gen ben jiu mei fen bie.
suan le...
sui feng qu ba...
Sunday, July 20, 2003
finally got the chance to finish viewing the love story that jeremey recommended. hm.... somehow, the loading for some of the episodes were quite long. well, i think it's just a typical love story, but i have to admit that i think it was really well done of the person.
i found a lot of quotes that we usually find it in sms-es. i wonder if the sms-es adapted from the flash or the owner simply include all those quotes? hm... well, the story didnt have a happy ending though. the girl and the guy didnt get together. the girl missed out on a guy who loves her the most. *sighz*
hm.... there were many questions asked in the short 5-episode flash and lots of philosophy too. *sighz* makes me wonder about certain things again. *sighz* guess i'll just have to learn from yun han, pick myself up again no matter how hard i fall.
hm... went to nj today for their fair... hm... went with izzy at the beginning, cos i dont really know who's going. hm... but i really feel like going, cos i think it'll be a fun and wanna see them lahx... plus, feel like bringing izzy there to have some fun too. =) haix... i know she's not really comfortable before we even reached there, but i swear that i really try to make her feel as comfortable as possible already. i hope she didnt really feel left out.
hm... i spent like $40 bucks in nj alone. hm... bought food from everybody and bought this jigsaw key-chain too.... haha.... hm... went for wen's haunted house. it wasnt scary lahx... though izzy was 'surprised' by them twice. haha... after the whole thing, wen sms-ed me and told me that she couldnt resist grabbing my legs cos i was talking too loudly. hahaha.... hm... i dont know if she did grabbed my legs, cos she said that she was sorry if she scared me. the problem is... 2 people tried to grab my legs. one missed it and the other one got kicked away by me.. haha... while BUT someone grabbed izzy's legs too and she was 'shocked'. so, i wonder if wen had grabbed izzy's legs instead. hahaha....
met up with sok, gan, jem, gavin and weide after izzy left. haha... by than, my legs were aching and i was having migraine again. *sighz* went to the rock wall and look for boy... haha... than sat there with jac and sing and the rest of them and just slack and talked lorx... have a feeling that i was so busy talking to kianhong, jac and sing that i sort of left sok out... *sighz* sorry woman... hm...sing and weide tried the rock climbing. think it was too easy for them lahx... sianx.. haha... had a mini 'quarrel' with gan there... so 'irritated' by him that i couldnt resist being racist for a while. haha...
hm... after everything, went junction 8 with sok and the 3 guys, except for gan. haha.. hm.. went to play in the arcade. stuck there for like 2 hours? hahaha... i spend $11 in the arcade lorx... hahaha.... it was fun lahx.. gavin flipped his shirt inside out so that the pjc sign couldnt be seen.. haha... hm... looked at that pretty boy and i really admire his complexion leyz... sianx... why does he has such good complexion?? he dont need it lorx! haha... gossipped a little and keep teasing gavin. hm.... realise that jem can be quite an impatient person... haha... has this feeling that he's the sort who doesnt like to wait.. haha.. maybe he's just not in a good mood or what, but i dont really know lahx. hm...
ok... overall, i really enjoyed myself. i reached home at about 23:30 lorx... hm... if have chance, must go out with them again... hahaha.... they are funny lorx... plus sok.... hahaha... have another person to gossip with... =)
hm... miss izzy a little... maybe cos today i didnt give attitude at all? hehe... *sighz* i hate myself for always being so mean to her lorx... sianx... i'll control... i will control!
Saturday, July 19, 2003
hm.... i really wonder where should i begin to describe arts nite. to put it simply, it was really disappointing. maybe i expect too much, cos' it sounds a bit like talent nite when they describe it. oh my god! what a difference! this is so disorganised! i wonder what is the in-charge doing, well, basically, i'm talking about raj.
the first item was ok, though it was really long. i mean tey performed 4 songs you know. i was getting a bit bored though. the second item was a dance. hm... well, i dont really mind, in fact, i quite like the idea of it. at least, it's not only songs right. third item was a play by the arts society themselves. it wasnt too bad, though i didnt really get the ending. wah.... from the 4th item onwards. sok and i began to sms each other and complaining about our poor ears. the rest are all heavy-metal music.... my GOSH! i think song and jx would have kill me if they went today. thank God song couldnt make it in the end.
hm... the gigs got worse as things proceeds. the item by scorpio was super 'attitude' lorx. the songs were alright, though they started their head-shaking thingy, but she threw her guitar on the ground at the final beat. oh my god! she thinks she's really some popstar? you should have seen the look on mr barry's face. i dont think i've ever seen a look so stern before. and things got worse by the minute lorx. by then, izzy, hani, addy and i were already getting real bored with it, but we didnt want to go off cos safian's and imram's item is the last. *sighz* wah... i thought my ear drums were about to burst. and izzy already has problems hearing what i'm trying to tell her though i'm just sitting beside her. that was really TERRIBLE!
oh.. wait till you hear about mithun's item. that was the ULTIMATE! hm... i think about one fifth of the audience went out of the audi cos they really couldnt stand his gothic performance. he wore black and painted his face white, and red lights filled the whole stage. it's seems to be symbollic of blood and anger instead of passion, and the songs they performed were really really gothic. or should i just say satanic? come on lahx... a lot of us went out of the audi saying to each other... "how can they let them perform this? this is satanic! it's horrible!" plus our dear limin got a shock from it and burst into tears lorx... *sighz*
here's the best part... i dont think the performers know that mrs singh, our dear VP, was actually sitting at the back of the audi all along. GREAT! we're gonna stand in the sun for damn long on monday listening to another great 'speech' from our dear mr quek. hm... ok... i'm already planning to be late for that day... afterall, it's the first time i'll be late, so i wont need to do CWO at all, just a warning lahx..
luckily it ended with something more pleasant like imram crooning a love song and this othr self-written song that was from harqeem to rus. haha.... that was fantastic lorx... the 4 of us left straight after im's and ian's perforamce, simply couldnt take all that NOISE anymore. it was simply UNBEARABLE! a lot of people left just like we do, cos it was too horrible? haha...
*sighz* feel really sad for mr barry... i think it was hard for the lit teachers to try and get mr quek to agree to have this arts nite, and yet, it's so screwed up. i doubt we'll be able to have another arts nite. *sighz* why cant they just have a arts day like last year. last year was really fun. it's like a food fair plus the people get to perform their gigs at the parade square and people just buy food and sat anywhere they like. haha.... THAT was FUN! *sighz*
well... hope for the best manx.... maybe it'll be better next year... that is if mr quek is willing to overlook this lahx... *sighz*
Friday, July 18, 2003
well... what can i say? i major screwed up my exams and well, got this lecture from my mum too. *sighz* dont feel like bickering with her at all, so just kept quiet and pretend to sleep, as usual.
got a D for maths, and O for geog and lit. haix... as usual, i'm top the list for getting the lowest mark for both geog and lit. how great can that be? ha~ i feel like an idiot right now. ok... guess i should just work harder and stop procrastinating, and stop all the empty talks. damn! though i'm used to failing A Maths last time, it doesnt mean that i have to continue to have shitty grades. ha! should i just make myself feel a bit better that i actually got a O for geog instead of the usual 33. well, i was a bit happy that day, cos' i felt that i have broke the curse of the 33. haha~
had assembly today in the audi, and when i went in, mr yeo asked me if i had looked at my results. well, i refused to look at the grades of the 3 essays that he had marked when he returned the papers yesterday. i just covered them and dont want to know anything, so that i can actually enjoy myself when i'm out with ming. *sighz* i took out the papers when i was in yoshinoya, took a look at the figures, and just put it in my bag. no feelings at all. i mean, what do you expect to get when you only wrote a page and 4 lines for Donne? *sighz* mr yeo called me a realist and i told him... "i am".
dont know if i should feel sad or happy. i mean it can be both sad and happy being a realist right? haha... guess i'm happier than i'm sad. to me, it simply means i'm still in touched with reality. haha...
*sighz* ok... have to stop thinking and get some work done. hm... read xuan's blog and felt pretty sad for her... hm... know that she's disappointed with her geog... *sighz* but i feel so proud of her too, for topping human geog. hm... how i wish i have something for her to be proud of me too... *sighz* never mind... guess i shall just work harder and achieve a result that at least i, myself can be proud of.
Thursday, July 17, 2003
listening to: if you're not the one
was talking in the train on our way back. i know what they said makes perfect sense. it's also what everyone is trying to tell me.
hani and ming were more straightforward about it, more direct. they didnt hesitate to not spare a thought for my feelings, and i was actually... glad. i guess i need that 'slap', really need it. to wake me up and to stop me from dwelling in the situation and just get on with life.
what they said is true. everyone is suffering, but only my grades are in jeopardy, serious trouble. i have to do something about it and i have to begin somewhere.
my mid-year results is super disappointing. i know liyan might be saying... "i told you so..." or yien should be saying... "you know you probably deserve it..." *sighz* i know that...
feeling pretty dead right now... well, somehow, i hope that i can continue to feel this way until after 'A's, than maybe i wont be able to feel so much. i know all of you are trying to help.... thanx
was talking to xuan in msn just now.. i asked for her comments and i got it. haha.. it's so 'xuan' lorx... straightforward and just 'shoot' it. haha... i know i can always count on her to give a super honest opinion... and i actually feel good to hear about it. haha.... what's wrong with me manx? hey woman, you know i always value your comments no matter what. it doesnt change lorx... *hugz*
hm... but still, i dont regret having this sis and i dont think i ever will. i'll just keep pushing mysef and hope that 'slaps' are finally taking effect on me.. =)
hey frenyz... really sorry for neglecting all of you nowadays. i know you people understand, but still, no excuse for it. thanks for being so encouraging and supportive. i really appreciate it... *hugz*
went to causeway point with ming today.. i was actually quite excited about it, cos we dont get to go out very often. we dont really have much time, plus she is almost close to being grounded by her mum already. we wanted to buy her handphone cover initially, but it's too expensive and we just gave up the idea.
went to yoshinoya to have lunch. i was really starving lorx. ming didnt eat anything though. than we started to study there. she did maths while i revise my geog. haha. *sighz* i must admit that we didnt really do much, end up gossipping instead, but i dont really mind, cos' it's been a really long time since i get to really really talk to ming.
hani sms-ed and told us that addy and her were in woodlands too, so we met up. haha~ as usual, it took tham AGES before they finally get themselves to causeway point even though they were only in the library opposite. by that time, ming and i had already finished 2 slices of ya kun kaya toast and were going for our third one lorx. haha~ asked addy to try when she reached, and she simply loves it. haha~ well, i guess i sort of got ming and addy addicted to it. cos the 4 of us ate 6 slices of bread together. =) hahah...
hm... with addy and hani around, we started gossipping again. haha~ gossipped about addy actually.. hahah~ asked her lots of funny questions. i think i really drive her crazy lorx... i keep irritating her by raising my hand and said... "i have a question to ask..." hahaha... it's a bit funny lorx... they simply cant stand me... plus all the weird questions. i can see that she's about to kill me liaox lahx. =X hm... i started the conversation by telling them... "i think it's been a really long time that i last talk to you all, and i really negected all of you." hahah... do i sound like some superstar talking to long-lost fans? haha~ and what addy said really touched me... " i missed talking to you..." =) it feels good to be able to laugh at little things again and talked about anything, well, almost anything.
haha..... it feels good to be able to sit down with them and gossip again. haha... it's super hilarious when we get together lorx... and ming did is to sit there and laugh at addy. haha... and hani's stupid imitation of CC's goofy laughter. hahaha... it really sums up the day.... =)
listening to: wu ke qu dai
heard so many songs lately that makes me think, think and think.
i think i'm thinking too much.
it's killing my brain.
what a useless fool i am!
letting everything affecting me.
sometimes, i wonder why i care so much?
it's time to stop caring,
to be selfish,
to be ME.
Wednesday, July 16, 2003
it rained today..
did it rain, cos my world was raining too?
haha.. the first drop came when my tears start rolling...
what a perfect timing...
did You rain knowing that i my world is raining too?
are You going through the same thing as i do?
do You understand how i feel?
do You know why things are like that?
are You trying desperately to believe in words,
holding on whatever faith You have,
and not trying to think too much about things?
who am i kidding?
myself or You?
do You have any solutions for this mess that i've created?
a solution that will solve everything.
a solution that wouldnt make her sad.
i said so many things today.
words, so hurtful that you will never expect it to come out from me.
all she did is to find excuses for my behaviour,
for everything that i've done.
i dont know how she did it, i really dont know.
if i were her, i would definitely break down.
words so hurtful, stab right into her heart,
and all she did is tell me
that she'll never walk out of my life
and i'm the best sister that she ever had..
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
hm... though it's my short day today, but it seems so long to me. haha.... another day ruined, by ME. *sighz* havig my swings today... well, i must have woke up at the wrong side of the bed. hm.... mood swings for the whole day... so irritating!
hm... i admit that i was thinking a lot today.... the things just keep going on and on in my head. it's difficult not to think about it, but i'm really trying... *sighz* however, i think my efforts are rather futile.
hm... i think i've slacked enough. it's time to start catch up with what i've missed out. *sighz* i need to start on my revision already, or else i'll never be able to make it for 'A's. hope it's not just empty talks and another feeble attempt. OOI!!! WAKE UP AH!!!! EXAMS DRAWING NEAR!!!
i must really put in extra effort to stop procrastinating.... *sighz* gam-ba-te...~
All you have to do, is have some climbing faith
No river's too wide for you to make it across
All you have to do, is believe it when you pray
And then you will see the morning will come,
and everyday will be bright as the sun
All of your fears, cast them on me
I just want you to see
I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I hear your voices when you call me
I am your Angel,
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your Angel, I'm your Angel
I saw your tear drops and I heard you cry
All you need is time, seek me and you shall find
You have everything and you're still lonely
It don't have to be this way
Let me show you a better day
And then you will see, the morning will come
And all of your days will be bright as the sun
So all of your fears just cast them on me
How can I make you see
I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I hear your voices when you call me
I am your Angel,
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your Angel, I'm your Angel
And when it's time to face the storm
I'll be right by your side
Grace will keep us safe and warm
And I know we will survive
And when it seems as if your end is drawing near (end is drawing near)
Don't you dare give up the fight
Just put your trust beyond the skies
I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I hear your voices when you call me
I am your Angel,
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your Angel, I'm your Angel"
- Celine Dion & R Kelly i'm your angel
Monday, July 14, 2003
wo yi ding hui shang xin dao lao"
- kit chan shang xin
"wang zhe ni tu ran yi zheng xin tong,
yi ci you yi ci ren na gan qing fang zong.
ni de cui ruo rang wo zou bu kai,
ni de yi lai suo yi wo chuan zai.
xiang zhe ni hai shi ziang dao xin tong,
qi dai wo zuo de jiang lai ni do hui dong.
you yi tian zhen ru guo you yi tian,
dan yuan wo hai zai ni ji yi zhong."
- kit chan xin tong
"cong ci dan fei qian wan li,
yi ge meng yong bao zai huai li.
jin hou ni zai tian de ling yi fang,
wo zai meng de zhe yi duan."
- nian shao zhi dao shuang ren xiang meng
Sunday, July 13, 2003
listening to: love, me
was thinking a lot suddenly, and really feel like giving attitude. fark! i got to slap myself out of it. damn! i promised not to give attitude... and i wouldnt.
miss the guys all of a sudden.. haha~ maybe i'm so used to studying with them in mac already.. that now, suddenly it seems like ages since i last saw them. well, qq is not online today... guess she's giving attitude... =X haha~ hm....
song went to co today and i was really happy. hm... well, we're still short of some people like jieren, zhenjia and jac. haha~ hm... we used to be this co family and than go for dinner after that. CO used to be so fun last time and we were domineering it. haha~ but now, guess it's time to 'handover' our 'power'. haha~
went for sushi dinner later.... haha~ wah~ we ate so much lorx... haha~ was super full lorx! haha~ hm.. guess yien and liyan will be like.. "huh? sushi again? buay sian ah?" hahaha... *sighz* we just like to pamper ourselves lahx... hehe!
*sighz* tomorrow... tomorrow... to go out or not to go out... *sighz* feel my pendulum bob swinging again... shit!
listening to: dont make me cry
heavy rain today...
it has been like this for the past 3 days.
staring at it for the longest time...
felt as though it has all my attention and absorbed all my energy
wanted to walk in the heavy rain if the photos werent with me...
had wanted to do it for a long long time...
but i always have my bag to think of...
cant stand it if my worksheets are wet.
no one knows what you are doing...
no one can see what you are doing...
maybe the slaps of the rain can wake you up..
the harshness of it might get to you...
God seems to be attempting to wash away all my worries...
haha~ well, i dont think so lahx...
why would He do that for me?
hm... hai shi kao zi ji ba...~
listening to: have you ever
just feel like saying xi guan jiu hao..
haha... dont know what's wrong with me again..
feel like i'm living in coketown
where everything is calculated using certain measurements.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.
guess it isnt so great to know your maths well...
calculating the past and compare them to the present...
what shit have i got myself into?
have to get myself out of this pit.
it seems so deep that i cant even climb out with help.
losing hope and just feel like asking them to bury me in it.
just bury me alive, as though i'll give a damn.
nothing really matters much nowadays...
the things that used to matter has also lose its significance,
so it's alright i guess.
no ups and no downs felt,
cos' nothing interests me anymore
"i might make a good girlfriend..."
*pointing fingers* "definitely not close to you.."
"ai zai ai ni..."
"i tell you ah...."
"har har..."
ate my first beard papa in taka...
day out with peggy and...
porridge shop...
zai zai stuffs...
the letter that i still have in my drawer..
the late night talks..
i seemed to have taken a ride in a time machine, and travel back to a year ago, the start of a series of nightmares. i did something that i didnt expect myself to do. i actually wrote down 3 lines to her... to ask about her life now, one that we have almost no part of. guess, i wanted to ease the awkwardness a little, since she'll be sitting beside me for every geog lecture from today onwards.
i dont like to drag up the past. better to just let it passed, than rake it up again. but today, i feel as though i've been through everything again. it just seems like yesterday. when girl asked me what was the first thing that went wrong... i didnt hesitate to say... "me". i was the start of the series of chain reaction. girl said it was all misunderstandings right from the beginning... "maybe".
i dont know... things were hostile between sok and me. i didnt have anyone than, till i tried to know melia and company. they didnt ask me much, and just accepted me for who i am. didnt mind me tagging along. a one week holiday changed things. i found myself having a friend that's sticking by me. someone who's willing to know the things about me, and look at a different side of me. i've always been thankful for the change. i still remember that i was so scared of going back to school after the one-week hols, cos' i'm afraid that things will be back to normal, and this friend that i have, will be gone. stepped into school with a heavy heart. no... she didnt leave. she was with me no matter where i go, she still is.
another talk change things again, and got sok into 'trouble'. things were bad. it turned a bit ugly. suddenly, it's 3 against 1. *sighz* i was so rude to sok, so mean even. but when i look back again, i know that sok has done her best towards her. i really dont think sok has done anything to offend her.
she was back with us, and i thought things has finally come to an end. but i was so so wrong. missing pieces of the puzzle. the confusion of the mystery of adeline. suspect that she twisted the story? haha... *sighz* she felt left out, but we tried means and ways to include her in. for a period of time, we really couldnt understand what happen. why the sudden coldness? avoiding us? i guess i wasnt persistent enough, didnt try hard enough. was a bit shock at that time. lost 2 friends suddenly. the day when sok sms-ed me and asked about SAT results, i was shocked... haha~ but i was super relieved too. i'm glad that things are back to normal now... and in fact, i think we've sort of pass the "taking-offence" stage. somehow, i just dont think she really means it if she's being sarca to me... so i'll just let it pass. wont take offence too. =)
i dont know how things will be, if i had tried hard enough, be more persistent. but now, i guess i wouldnt want to know too. i guess i still care, but pride will never allow me to show.
it's all in the past, and it shall stay as it is...
Saturday, July 12, 2003
tell you ah!!!! went to qq's house today.. haha~ cos the two of us were super bored?? but she should have cancelled our appointment and just go play tennis with her friends... hm... haha~ dont worry about it ya...
well.... back to the point... the point is..... she feeds me so well that i out on 2 kg in her house!!! ARGH!!!! QQQQQQQQQQQQ!!!! WHAT HAPPEN?? hm.... it's so difficult to shed 5 kg, and a day at her house, gives me back 2 kg. so irritating! haha~ but still, she cooked lunch for me which is super yummy... hehe~ thanx so much...
we did the sandart together... had a tough time trying to decide which colour goes with which.... cos it seems a bit weird lahx... but we made it lahx. i think it's quite nice leyz... haha~ put in huge effort for the background leyz! hehe~
hm... oh.. and we gossiped quite a bit too... aha~ well, and she told me something funny, which i dont think anyone would wanna hear about it. up till now, when i think about it, i still feel like laughing...
woman ah... your innocence makes you soooo cute lorx! =)
*hugz*
sok... just wanna tell you that i'm glad that we're friends...
glad that everything is over.
i guess what they said is right..
"what doesnt kills you, only makes you stronger."
seems like we've both learn from 'it'.
glad that after so much things, we are friends once more.
thanx for being there to lend a listening ear,
and the times when words werent needed,
but i know that you truly care. =)
dear friend... thanx so much...
*hugz*
Friday, July 11, 2003
hey friends! if you want to hear the latest update for the trauma-o-rama that has been going on for like as long as i can remember.... well, this is it! =) it's like the best news for months!
today is like the happiest day for the past 3 months? 4 months? hahah.... aiya. for as long as i can remember lahx... girl and i had a good talk today and i told her everything. really everything. haha... wonder why i suddenly changed my mind and be soo super honest? well, i dont know. =P
when i know that he's ignoring her, i cant help but feel super bad about it. and i did this totally unexpected thingy... i actually wrote a letter to him, and killed izzy with the suspense by not letting her read what i've wrote. i know she's worried that the wrong tone will worsen thing and we'll just end up 'killing each other', but i can tell you it's not like that lorx. believe me manx... dont think anyone has ever received notes from me that actually sounds a bit apologetic?? ok... at least i think it really sounds so lahx.. this is going to be the first and the last time that i'll ever write something like that... and it's only because of her. hm... well, i guess that the note was a good thing, cos in the end he did sms-ed me and told me that she is killed by the suspense... and i take that sms as a good sign. *prays hard*
guess i've done what i'm supposed to do, have to do and want to do. it's been a damn long time that the smiles on the both of us are genuine and really reflects how we feel than. when i saw that smile on her, i know that nothing is that important anymore. and to me, i guess i really have to come to terms with it and accept it. i've already told her how i feel and told her my concerns, guess, i just have to trust her. it doesnt mean that i'm not worried anymore, just that.... dont know. *shrugs*
the friendship is still quite fragile, and i know she's still worried that i might be cold to her one day... well, i wont. really wont. cos i promised not to and i dont want the bottle that means so much to me to be just an empty promise.
i've placed the trust in your hands once again...
and this time it's even more fragile...
you know i care a lot and worry a lot too..
dont give me a reason to... ever again...
i've said all i got to say..
tell u all about it...
and if it happens again...
"once broken, can never be mend."
girl ah...
dont break my heart again k..
*big big hugz*
Thursday, July 10, 2003
listening to: xin tong
during lit class today, mr yeo asked us to do one of those things that he always does after a major exam. it's almost like a feedback of how we feel, and a chance to evaluate what we are doing for the past months.
one of the questions that he asked us is "what are your distractions?" he asked us to write everything down on a piece of paper and be very honest to ourself.
i looked at my piece of paper and i realise i wrote a lot of things. there are names all over the place with words like "worried", "fears" etc... there's nothing specific about myself.... i'm not worried about me, in fact, it's the last thing i'll be worried about. but i'm worried about what's going on now, friends, what might happen and stuffs like that... but mostly friends.
and the next question that comes along with this was "is it worth your next 5 years?" i didnt really hesitate for very long and i wrote... "yes. they are worth my 5 years of life." if the cheng brothers are reading this, i think they'll be saying that i'm being unrealistic and worry too much for friends. well, call me a fool or anything, but i really feel that 'they' are worth 5 years of my life. maybe all along, belle is not only realistic when dealing with situations, but belle do like to dream too. maybe i really sound dumb or foolish, and i know that i have to answer to a lot of people if i didnt do well, but to me, friends are too important. ha! maybe you'll just ask me if they think i'm as important to them... seriously, though i do care if i'm important, but even if i'm not, it doesnt make them any less important to me.
i think i sound really dumb but... i know that... if one day, you feel that the belle in front of you doesnt put friends above all else, than the belle in front of you is not the one you know.
Wednesday, July 09, 2003
*sighz* i think this is really the first time she's ever been so angry with me.
i spoilt the day.
i've never see her so angry before.
and i guess,
this is the first time she has ever shouted at me.
i know this time,
i've really done it.
totally broke her heart and her trust.
i've never feel so guilty and so afraid before.
sorry is not going to help this time.
wah!!! i was packing my room today and well, haha.... guess what... i found lots of things that i thought i had lost. hm... i guess this is the only god thing about packing my room =( other than that, it's a damn tough job! dont believe me, you can ask celest and qq, they've helped me with this before, and they almost died. haha~
ok... first of all, i found this booklet that wu lao shi made for us. it contains all the bi ye gan yan that she asked us to write when we were about to graduate. wah!! i read once through just now, and tears just couldnt stop flowing. all the things that we've been through together. *sighz* those were the times...
hm... secondly, i found those story postcards that i bought in UK. yea!!! i thought i lost them and was pretty upset for quite some time... hehe!!! yea!! i finally found them!!
well, i throw away my bed already! FINALLY!!! has been wanting to do it for ages, just that i've been too lazy. good thing that my dad is at home today, and he can do the job for me. hehe! hm... now my room is more spacious, but it still looks untidy, cos' i havent really pack up all those newspaper yet... think i'll do it tomorrow, cos i need to get some nice boxes to put some things in it. hehe! than my room will be much neater. oh.... that i need to cut all my beckham articles before i clear all the newspapers. once they are gone, my room is done! yea! than i can just put the table in my room and study at night in my own comfort, enjoying the air-con. isnt that fantastic?! haha!
yea yea....so happy... hehe!
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
*sighz*
dont know why, but i feel restless and yet super tired.
think something's so wrong with me.
reached home at about 7.30,
and i went to sleep immediately.
i admit,
i switched off my handphone.
wanted to think for a while.
i wasnt ignoring anyone, serious.
i think i'm just having swings again,
so shitty right?
was talking to qq just now, and i dont really know what to say.
told her of the day,
and just so suddenly,
i started to cry.
ha! i think this crying business is starting to irrtate everyone.
*sighz*
i'm like crying for the whole day?
*sighz* i feel soooooo useless.
cried my heart out in the morning before i went to meet ling,
than just now, again.
*sighz* what the hell is wrong with me?
felt like taking a knife and stab it deep into my heart.
to feel that moment of pain,
and eternity numbness.
listening to: heaven knows
went to watch TWINS EFFECT with ling today.. it was actually a super last minute meet up. i think the both of us were so bored lorx... haha! was wondering where to go. actually i wanted to just sit down and catch up on each others' live, but she wanted to watch movie, plus, shi wasnt around lorx... haha! it's too last minute liaox...
the two of us met up with no idea where to go. haha! super bai chi! wanted to go town at first... but i was a bit scared after yesterday, so we went to tiong bahru instead. it was quite a wulu place lorx.. there arent really much shop and nothing to shop around. we went buy lots of food lorx... haha~ bought lays' chips, marshmellow, bueno, popcorn, nachos and a drink. haha! i think she thinks that i'm crazy lorx.. we are like super funny lorx...
i'm really happy to see ling again after so long lorx... we always say we want to meet up, but it just seems like we cant find the appropriate time. asked her a lot about what happen to shi and it looks like one BIG CONFUSING thing. haha~ cant even get the names of the characters right. but ling told me that shi was really sad about this guy whom both of us dont understand what's so good about him.
well... thanx ling for accompanying me today.
*sighz* though i dont think you'll ever get to read this..
but still, thanx for listening today.
***************************************************
was looking out of the window when i was on my way to meet ling. suddenly woke up from my stoning. i couldnt remember what i was thinking earlier. damn! realised that my mind was actually blank. was really just staring into space. i should just keep stoning, and never wake up from it, than i wont need to face reality again. *sighz* life's such a huge mess now.
i didnt regret giving both of you the bottle.
i meant every word in it.
i really do.
Monday, July 07, 2003
damn! i know i'm having swings again...
especially after those....
feeling so sucky now that i dont even know what i'm doing.
cant believe that i was actually being a bit polite and definitely civilised.
*sighz*
you know what i feel like doing now?
i feel like breaking that bottle into pieces.
i know i should have waited,
give myself more time..
*sighz*
i feel that i should have just drive her to the wall,
and forget about everything.
damn! i hate myself for giving it up.
i feel like buying locks now to lock everything up.
feel like separating myself and put it into boxes.
lock up my feelings.
lock up my thoughts.
lock up everything that is about me.
and throw the key into the sea.
hm.. went to town with yien and qiuqun, and celest joined us later. saw so many people in town.. got sing, jia, peng and guan, than stil got leemei, tingwei and yiching... but i missed out on joe and his brother. sianx! hahha~ it's been a long time since i last saw him. hm... saw izzy and him too.. though none of us spotted them except for celest. but i guess, it's a good thing that i missed it. wouldnt know what to say.
was getting bored with orchard, so we went to esplanade and enjoy the comforting breeze there. talked to celest for a while and explain some things to her. *sighz* just couldnt stop my tears from flowing when i told her about it. *sighz* so irritating! i think all of us werent exactly in a damn good mood except for yien, and MAYBE qq. abandoned out thoughts and feelings for a while and started singing. haha~ all sorts of songs and laughing about all sorts of things. life seems so much easier.
when are we going back again??
*****************************************************
talked to xuan on the phone...
wah.. this is the first time,
we talked for like one and a half hours ever since we are in different jcs.
talked about a lot of things...
but mostly about her...
hahha... i gave up the notion of trying to explain..
cos i think she wont like it lorx...
so forget it.
hahhaa... glad to hear about what's going in with her life now,
feels that i'm really quite oblivious to the world outside me.
*sighz*
and we ended up talking about yien.
HAHAHAH!!!!!
all thanx to him and his stupid joke.
shock the hell out of xuan.
now, he had better do something,
before that girl thinks too much and start avoiding him. hahha!
and THAT would be funny.
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever
Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for the words to get to their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start"
- Brandy have you ever
Sunday, July 06, 2003
had my human geog paper....
it's a KILLER!
think i'm just gonna flung it lorx.
before i know the results,
i already know that i've lost 10 points.
stare at that stupid question and wonder what is it talking about.
DEAD!
hm... *sighz*
today is the first time i hold her hands again
after so many days...
feels.... the same,
if not, maybe even more.
i know i've lost.
dont know..
to me, she's still as important to me,
if not, even more.
*sighz*
btw... qq... we'll survive right?
dry your tears and look towards a better tomorrow oh...
bu yao ku liaox lahx...
yan jing do zong liaox!!!
i finally gave the bottle that i had kept for 2 weeks to izzy. was really pondering whether i should give. cos i know that if i gave her and yet still continue to give attitude, than there's really no point in giving her. was thinking about it the whole of yesterday and even though i've already prepared the card and stuff, i was still not sure if i should give.
i guess the not-very-nice talk made up my mind. when i told her that i really dont want to drift apart from her, i really mean it. i know what she said is true... i dont show that i dont want to drift apart from her. in fact, i'm pushing her away. but i do mean it.
*sighz* i was actually a bit afraid when i gave her that bottle. i dont want her to think that this is just another things to 'pacify' her or 'assure' her things are ok...than later give her attitude again when she's 'ok'. *sighz* the two words in the bottle means a lot to me, and i just hope that she knows it. after everything, i actually think that she might just get so frustrated that she'll just throw the box into the bin. *sighz* so stupid.
well, i hope things are really better this time.. the past month plus has been a torture for the both of us... *sighz* i wonder how many buckets of tears have we shed. now, i just hope that things will finally settle down and we'll be "back together".
girl, i really dont want to drift apart from you again...
i dont want to let go of your hands again...
hahah.... suddenly think that the title means a lot a lot to me.... haha~ well, guess this entry is gonna be damn long.... so just bear with me lahx... there's so much things going on today and i'm soooo happy! =)
first thing of the day is.... my exams are FINALLY OVER! you cant imagine how relieved i am!! haha~ even though i actually had time to stone for 45 minutes, cos i only managed to write 1 and a half page for my compare and contrast of poems.. but i'm glad that the torture is over for the time being. well, dont wanna think about my results now... i think they are definitely going to get me into trouble, so i shall just heck it for the moment....
yupZ! went to becca's house for gathering today. well, i brought QQ along cos think that it's a good place to just forget about probs for a while and just have fun laughing and eating. haha~ bec's house has always been a place where we can just forget our worries and be ourselves and laugh. haha! i have never laughed so hard for a damn long time.
we ate lots of things in the afternoon. thankx to qq.. she cook some pretty good food for us! haha~ or else i think i'll just die of hunger. =) hm... was quite pretty for giam for a while, cos she was crying in bec's room. *sighz* she hardly cries lorx.. but think now, things should be better already. well.... giam, jia you oh! i really slack like nobody's business in bec's house lorx... haha~ simply just eat eat and talk talk. haha!
hm.... qiujie, xuan, yihua and SHU JUN joined us at around 5++. wah!!! JUN leyz!!!! haha~ what a rare guest!! i was soo soooo sooooooo ELATED to see her! it's been such a long time lorx... i really really miss her. i think i hugged her so tight that she almost died of suffocation. haha! gossip a bit than hahah.... as usual, our lameness... hahha~
well, we're like having reunion dinner lorx... with the exception of bee, jenni, lilian and tao. wah!!! have fun during dinner... i forgot what happened, but yien was so excited that he spilled the watermelon out of his mouth and it landed everywhere. haha.... at giam's chair, keagan's leg, on the floor, on the com.. haha~ it was such a mess and a disaster. haha~ we just couldnt stop laughing. hm... oopX! i kapok giam's fork cos jun took mine... than giam just stare at me with disbelief... haha... cos i just pretend that i dont know anything. well, you have to be there to know how funny everything is. haha~ wah!! i think a lot of us laughed till we're in tears lorx.. haha~
how fast time passed when all of us are enjoying ourselves. when jun left early, she sms-ed me and told me that she cried when she left. she missed us so much... and to imagine, she actually missed my voice and everything.. haha... yey... so happy! i really miss her too. *sighz* am stil worrying about her... cos know that things have not been easy for her... last time, she can still email me when she has the time and update me with her life, but now, with 'A's just around the corner, *sighz*...
haha... before we left, we played the fortune telling game just like we do in chalet. haha~ everyone was so excited to know what it says about us lorx... haha~ hm... well, seems like i'm surrounded with friends and relatives and ... guys? ha! so the not true for the guy part... and the others just keep saying that everything also izzy.... so bai chi lorx! aiyoz.. than it says that i have one fan nao and i seems to like some guy.. hahha... a bit not true for the latter...
well... when i left... bec sms-ed me to say that she hasnt been so happy for a long time.. plus all the good food... and i just replied that it doesnt matter what food we have, it's the time spend together... and she simply said.... "it's nice to be 'back again'".
dear frenz..
thanx for the wonderful time in bec's house.
really miss the days of fun and laughters
where troubles seems so far away...
take care ya...
miss you guyz so much!
just read some entries...
=(
feel... sad?
*sighz*
suddenly have a feeling that she wont believe in whatever i said anymore.
*sighz*
dont know...
i think i've caused too much unhappiness
and broke my promises too many times...
that words might not mean as much anymore.
dont know...
feel like crying now....
Friday, July 04, 2003
hm.... wonder how accurate this is...
today's lit paper was so 'great' that i think i'm so gonna get a single digit.
well, what can i expect when i didnt study for it at all.
i gave up even before i went in,
what a good mindset right?
ha! realise that i'm too stubborn.
it's not as though that i didnt know about this before,
just that i didnt know i can be this stubborn.
well, it's not doing me any good,
in fact, all it gave me are tears, tears and more tears.
*sighz* never mind lahx....
am getting used to these kinda days...
just wanna say...
if one day, you lose faith in me...
just remember that
i'll always be there when you need me.
Thursday, July 03, 2003
suddenly have this concept of one vs many.
ha! wonder where i got this from...
hm.. well, this thingy has always exist, isnt it?
sometimes you just wonder why do you hang on to that one,
when you have many..
well, and you just dont have any answer.
maybe it's time to change your concept for a while,
and think about the many instead of that one.
sometimes, it's not as though quantity is better,
it's not as though you dont want that one,
it's just that
you dont have the ability to keep that one.
and i dont have the ability to keep that one.
ever since that day i heard it over the radio,
i keep thinking about it...
i think the midi suits me...
the melancholy and hopeless feeling that it gives..
wah! my mood exactly!
and the title seems to say it all...
only heaven knows...
"Cos heaven knows
Why I live in despair
Cos wide awake or dreamin',
I know she's never there
And all the time I act so brave,
I'm shakin' inside
Why does it hurt me so?"
- rick price heaven knows
well, she's there...
just that... ha! i dont know what i'm thinking anymore...
"I can't stop you from living
I can't blame you for trying
I can't stop you from loving
Can't keep you from crying"
- rick price you're never alone
"shi nian zhi hou
wo men shi peng you
hai ke yi wen hou
zhi shi na zhong wen rou
zai ye zhao bu dao yong bao de li you"
- eason chen shi nian
big big *hugz*...
know that times has been super tough for you...
there are things that we can take control of,
and lots more that we have absolutely no idea of what is going on.
they said that we should control our own destiny,
and create our own future,
well, we KNOW that we SHOULD.
but we often let others things distract us from our goals.
well, you told me to leave things as it is,
and see how things goes.
ERM HM! it applies the same to you oh..
true that you are getting more sensitive nowadays,
and it's not as though there's no cause for it,
but still, dont let a prediction rule your life.
if it were to happen, there's nothing that we can do.
but remember that everything happens for a reason.
be it for or against us,
it doesnt happen just because it has to.
girl ah... jia you k~
the night can be super scary sometimes,
that tears threaten to trickle down your face,
no point in telling you not to think about it,
cos we both know that we simply cant do it.
have a good cry, than a good rest.
and DONT TELL ME NOTHING...
when you suddenly keep quiet...
haha! remember horx..
i know you almost as well as you know yourself oh! *winkZ*
jia you k...
*big big hugz*
Wednesday, July 02, 2003
it took me two and a half days to remember all my quotes,
but just one 'look' to forget them all.
i went in knowing what i have to do
but came out not knowing what i've done.
what a fabulous way to begin my fantastic exams!
oopz! i saw myself in you.
is that good or bad?
your thoughts mirrors mine,
the reasons for actions are similar.
i can almost see through you,
and understand the reasons for certain things.
oopZ!
is that good or bad?
well, maybe it's good.
cos i have company and someone to understand the cant-be-understood.
but it's bad too,
cos we'll always be super preoccupied with unnecessary thoughts.
poor her,
cos she has to take all those craps from me.
and poor him,
cos he doesnt even know that the one triggers it is his 'brother'.
ha! what a joke.
heyz! how?~
you and me?
ha! sister alwayz ya...
is that good or bad?
Tuesday, July 01, 2003
well, i'm having my first paper tomorrow, and guess wat?! YiPpEE!! it's lit paper 1. my ABSOLUTE FAVOURITE! it consists of the BEST arrangement.. Hard Times, Antony and Cleopatra and Donne. GREAT! now, i'm so DEAD!
well, i did finish studying whatever they is to study for my paper 1, but i dont think i can produce the exact stuffs. and my english SUCKS! that's it manx! i'm gonna be so dead... i can already picture myself failing my lit again! *sighz* sometimes, i really wonder why do i study so hard for?
was so happy today! cos i think this is like the most productive day of the whole hols leyz!!! *sighz* really regret that i didnt study harder during the hols... *sighz* than tried studying geog, but i cant understand what it's talking about. all those slopes thingy... making me sleepy. only managed to finish 1 lecture note! damn! gonna be so dead... havent start on my coast. ARGH!!! i can die already lahx...
okok... must get back to my geog! need to finish slopes and coasts by tonight.. cos tomorrow i also have to study human geog. DAMN!
what the f*ck!
just checked my SAT scores... and bingo!
i got a lousy 1190!
f*ck! it's even worse than the last time.
what is wrong manx!
just wasted my money!
well, who can i blame except for myself right?
must be thinking i most probably deserve it.
f*ck lahx!
what the hell!
forget it.
it's not the first time that i get lousy results,
should just get used to it.
have been getting it since young.
what the f*ck!
