Monday, June 30, 2003
i think the entry title says it all. it simply tells you that my end is near. i'm still not fully prepared to face the mid years. guess most probably, i'll just not make it. nothing new right?
was talking to liyan just now, and well, just received a wake-up call from him, like a smack on the face. i dont really mind lahx, afterall, i think i really deserve it. hm... was a bit hurt at first, but to think about it again, what he said is true. if i didnt do well for this mid years, nobody will pity me. *sighz* i didnt expect anyone to symphatise or pity me too. i've been warned, havent i? but somehow all those warnings just couldnt stay in my head and knock me out of lala land.
well, at the very very very very very least, i managed to finish my maths, though i still dont really know how to do certain topics. i'm finishing my physical geog part and i've done my part for that sucky poet. haha... it doesnt mean that i know everything about him, but i've already done my best. *God bless* i read through the summary for antony and cleopatra aledy, but i it'll be of much help. and that dickens is really giving me a hard time, so irritating! but i have a feeling this will be the best essay out of the 3 of paper 1. haha~ somehow, Hard Times gives me a very 'abraham's promise' feeling....well, just pray hard that i'll make it. cannot afford to have another meet the parents... will die ah!
4 more months to 'A's. another horror... aRgH!! wonder when all these nightmares are going to end. hm.... that day, yien asked me a question...
if you can die a painless death, would you choose to die or live?
well, my answer is pretty expected. i'll choose to die. think i've always been standing on this side, just that since there is no such thing as painless death, i'm stuck with living.
ren de yi shen zong shi chong man qu zhe,
dan shi zong hui you xie zhi lu.
dan shi, wo si hu zhi shi zai zou quan quan.
had lunch with jia and sing today. hm... well, quite happy actually. cos' we dont always have this kind of chance to just sit down and talk. haha...
i asked zhenjia if there is anyone in his class, apart from choonwei or any of the commonwealthians, that he can talk to. i mean really talk to. tell the person how he feels or what he thinks. hm... jia told me no. he dont think he'll tell anybody in his class things like that... haix... even for sing, he only tells jeremy about it... the rest would be the same old people... suddenly, this makes me think that life is kind of sad in jc. there are so many people around us, and it might seem as though you know a lot of people, and they are all very friendly to you. but among them, who can you really talk to and tell them how you feel? if you are lucky, there might be one or two, if not, it's a big fat zero.
celest says i'm lucky, very lucky, very fortunate therefore i must learn to treasure. jia agrees too. actually i know it myself, just..... haha... dont know...
hm... by the way, has been buying 4D nowadays. erm... quite bad right? haha~ the guys lorx.. always betting on soccer than sometimes ask me go help them buy cos sing and jia still cant buy... haha~ so just conveniently lahx.. haha~ wah~ than sing, jia and i combined forces to buy 4D. haha~ didnt buy much lahx.. just like 50 cents for each person lorx.. or sometimes $1. haha~ i think we crazy one lahx. just wanna try our luck. hm...
wah~ bought 2710 the other time... and today it appears as 7210 for starters i think. haha~ mum was so excited lorx... she knows that i used to buy 2710, than keep asking me if i got buy anot... than i was like, "erm.... no..." wah~ luckily not exactly the same, or else i would have fainted there and than, and the guys will have to hear about my grumblings and complains already. haha~
hm... ok... off to sleep i go... think i'll wake up a bit earlier to study before setting off to mac and start my boring routine since the hols began...
"everytime i go to bed, these monsters come around.
with their scary faces making lots of scary sounds.
i know they're only in my mind, but it really isnt fair.
cos they're such big scary monsters,
and i'm just a little bear.
whenever i cant sleep i think of things i like to do
like talking to the moon and i love playing like a zoo
i dream about tomorrow or about what i did today
and really soon those monsters go away
go to bed, sleepyhead
dream of stories that you've read
and think of all the things you like to do
just go to bed, you sleepyhead
yours dreams will watch over you.
i'll think of swimming in the lake or wishing i'm a star
or splashing through the mud or eating honey by the jar
so listen up you monsters, dont you come into my mind
this little bear is now the dreaming kind
so go to bed, sleepyhead
dream of stories that you've read or think of all the things i like to do
just go to bed, you sleepyhead
your dreams will watch over you
you dreams will watch over you.
Sunday, June 29, 2003
YiPpEE!!
went back for CSS alumni gathering today. it was DAMNNNNNN good! it really feels super good to be back in school, to a place where i feel really comfortable and at ease. feel so glad to see all my friends again... though we meet up quite often, but still, it never fails to bring horrendous laughters whenever we see each other. haha~ well, somehow, just sort of a stress reliever for all of us, from this dumb mid yrs.
hm.... a lot of people went back today. there are like seniors from that 1972 batch like Mr Henry Seow to ya... US! haha~ wow~ we really have all sorts of people there... for a moment, i felt really young!! haha!! oh come on! apart from zhengjie's batch, we are the YOUNGEST people.
hm.. they really have lots of plans for this whole alumni thingy, i really hope that this can work out. i actually quite look forward to the gatherings and activities now. hm... wow~ a bit cant wait. as we always said...
Once a Commonwealthian, always a Commonwealthian.
i know that this will always ring true for me. *sighz* feel so blessed to be a commonwealthian... i want to do my best for css... haix.. first thing i shall do is to study hard and get a good 'A' level results, cos i have the determination of a COMMONWEALTHIAN!
Saturday, June 28, 2003
Listening to: yan huo de ji jie
just called xuan, but her sis picked up the call and said that she's busy.
wah~ first time... asked her what's she busy with,
and she told me... busy studying.
WAH KAOX!!
i think that woman is too stress up!!
hey xuan!!! take a break from those books.
you are too stress!! dont push yourself so hard can?
it's scaring us.
*hugz*
woman ah woman....
tried to study for my paper 1 today,
well, i end up dozing off most of the time instead.
i'm so USELESS!
words, words and words.
all of a sudden, they seems like aliens to me.
have to get started on my donne,
before i'm really donne for.
WAH!!! really hate this guy now leyz!
make my life so difficult!
he's just one damn poet!
ARGH!!!!!
listening to: wo shi zhen de
hm... yey! was on the phone with melia just now.
wah!! i didnt see her neither did i talk to her for this whole holidays lorx.
so happy talking to her just now. hehe!
she updated me with the things going on..
and not forgetting complains and stuffs...
well, i updated her with things also and talked kok for a while lahx..
haha... as usual, talking to her never fails to put a smile on my face.
haha.. miss her "i'm gonna tiao her already"..
hahaha.... it's just so funny lorx... hehe!
cant wait to see her in school again...
haha... oh... and i laughed about her handphone accident also...
haha... i just couldnt help it lorx..
that stupid story that she made up for her mum...
cos she's afraid that she'll kana scolded.. haha~
well, just cant wait to see her in school!
**********************************************
hm... believe it or not,
i'm actually getting a lecture from zhenjia.
WAH!!! what happen manx?!
"wah lau...............
if becoz of dat one incident.......
and everyone becomes like tis to u.....
why dont u just be an island.......
isolate urself lah...........
just trusting muight get u hurt........
but have u tot of wat u might lose from not trusting????
u might just gain more from trusting den getting hurt more........
some experiences are once in a life time.....
they wont jus come running back to u to beg u to accept them......
u tink wat.......
charity of life ar..........
hahahahhaa
coz most of the time i need u more den u need me....
now........
cannot take it liaoz..."
haha... hm... has been talking to ah girl more nowadays...
maybe it's because we're studying together...
than at night, we will talk online...
haha... so ya..
still feel as close to him.. haha~
girl ah...
thanx ah...
really... glad that we're still as close as before..
but remember to study hard k?~
*hugz*
Friday, June 27, 2003
there are many things in life that we cant change,
so maybe we should just let them be,
and dont try to change them at all.
call that as resigned to fate,
call me a coward or even a loser,
i dont really care.
names, are given by people who define you as what they want.
i've been given names of all sorts,
so why would another few make a difference?
dont do things cos of someone,
dont make that someone becomes the cause of your regret,
or worse, the reason of your regret.
if it's meant to go, it'll go.
if it's meant to happen, it'll happen.
there are things, too many infact,
that's beyond our control, MY control.
the pair of hands that has been with you for ages,
and wonder what has it done for you.
how wonderful it was,
and how pathetic it is.
it's no longer able to differentiate the importance of things,
or maybe, it's just losing it's ability.
it's losing the grip.
just letting things slide off.
or maybe, they just choose to let it go.
sometimes,
sometimes,
these hands are feeling even worse than how you feel.
Wednesday, June 25, 2003
Listening to: too serious too soon
wow~ went to css mac to study today, as usual.
didnt really do anything much today.
haha~ was quite distracted to becca.
keep talking to her...
well, it's been a damn long time since i see her lorx..
in fact, this is the first time i saw her for the whole hols.
there were so many people in mac today,
was quite distracted.
spent most of the time gossiping with yien and izzy
haha...
than went to buy the espirit pullover that i've been eyeing since hanwei's bday
hehe~ actually forgot about it,
until i saw izzy wearing it...
than i was like..."that's the pullover i want.."
haha... well... it's cheap lorx...
it's only 12 bucks.
felt a bit weird weird just now..
dont know why.
mood swing i guess.
*sighz* was a bit sad...
too many things were going through my mind i guess..
too many thoughts
feeling too much.
*sighz*
wonder when can i get past this stage..
if not, i'll just drown.
like every days' the last
without a simple goodbye it all goes by so fast
and now that you're gone I can't cry heard enough
I can't cry hard enough
for you to hear me now
gonna open my eyes and see for the first time
I've let go of you like
a child letting go of his kite
There it goes up in the sky
there it goes beyond the clouds
for no reason why
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough for you to hear me now
gonna look back in vain and see you standing there
when all that remains is just an empty chair
anad now that you're gone
I can't cry hard enough, I can't cry hard enough
for you to hear me now
There it goes, up in the sky
there it goes beyond the clouds
for no reason why
I can't cry hard enough, no I can't cry hard enough
for you to hear me now"
- Williams Brothers can't cry hard enough
there are times when you just feel that everything is crashing on you,
and you just can't cry hard enough.
there are times when you feel so insecure
and have doubts in the things that you once believed,
and you simply cant cry hard enough
there are times when there are so many people around,
and yet you feel so alone,
you just cant cry hard enough.
the times when you feel as though you're losing hold
on the things that are so precious to you
and you simply cant cry hard enough.
for sometime now,
i simply cant cry hard enough.
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
hm.. just came back from night safari.
haha.. it was quite interesting
well, cos i have never been to it before??
hahaha... btw... saw the zong ruan lao shi there... haha~
so funny.. he's super nice lorx...
wow~ i'm really tired now...
ate so much just now..
went to have chicken rice in my uncle's shop..
wah~ it's damn nice lorx...
i ate 3 bowls of rice...
broke my record...
even the lime juice taste good.
ARGH!!!
must go there again sometime.
went to css mac to study in the afternoon...
wah~ xuan was there lorx...
haha... than yien also...
and the usual people lahx..
was super worried when jac told me that she could get through to her...
seems that she switched off her phone...
*sighz*
after that, i just start to stone...
lost my concentration, *sighz* dont know what happen also...
*sighz* didnt see her for 3 days..
also dont know if it's good or bad...
maybe i need this break, and she needs it even more than me..
afterall, everytime we study together,
things are still not very ok,
and it always ends just like it begins.
*sighz*
zuo ren ah...
kai xin jiu hao, kai xin jiu hao...
right when i was still young,
i already understand that life always has its ups and downs.
the lucky ones, experience more ups and downs,
while the more unfortunate ones, will slide more than they climb.
i've always understand the rules of this game that all of us are playing,
this game called life.
it's not an easy game,
cos more often than not, we have totally no control over it.
people always tells us to control our own destiny,
but it's easier said than done.
there are lots of things in life that we might want it this way,
but it just have to be otherwise.
exams are coming, and it's super crucial for most of us,
cos this is like a guage to us.
everyone feels the pressure, that stress
it's so suffocating sometimes,
that you wonder if you are going to die of it.
everyone is having their mood swings, me included.
maybe we should all just get away for a while,
clear our thoughts, and start all over again.
feel that i need to do some soul-searching.
i need to clear some thoughts,
get back on track.
i need to focus.
i need to know what i'm doing and why i'm doing it.
i need to find some solutions for the existing problems,
or simply find a way to rid the problem of me.
it seems that i need lots of things.
be quiet and listen,
the sounds of nature and the comfort it brings.
to calm your mind and make peace in your life.
do you feel alone
when you are walking in the midst of your friends?
have you not been able to hear anything
though the construction workers are drilling this big hole in your wall?
is what you see only black and white or shades of grey
even though you are facing a rainbow?
do you believe when a person says that sugar is sour
cos you simply couldnt taste anymore?
have you not feel anything even when you are prick by thousands of needles,
cos you are just too numb?
dont be.
dont let your life be full of ironies.
dont lead a life full of regrets.
dont...
just dont be...
"Good friends are like STARS.
You don't always see them,
but you know they are ALWAYS THERE."
Monday, June 23, 2003
Listening to: liao jie
hm... reached home not long ago...
haha...hm... was a bit disappointed,
cos they dont have fireworks..
but well, the performance was quite impressive.
hm.... shall go again next year...
*sighz*
today was 'great', simply 'fantastic'.
i was sooooo super 'lucky'
was on my way to lot 1 to meet them
when i saw something...
so...*sighz* dont know what to say..
almost cried in the cab...
dont know why... just suddenly feel like...
when i saw qq, i almost wanted to hug her and cry
but i told myself not to.
haha... cant possible cry in front of so many people rite? *sighz*
well, junli was there too... haha..really CHILLI CRAB~ so red...
hm.... well, there were
junxian, song, yien, liyan, jun hong, yiling, peixin, fush, junli, qq and me.
haha.... when the whole thing ended,
we were sitting around talking about school...
oh... and we were so excited cos' of LU JI MIAN and LA XIA MIAN!
yum yum!! it's the BEST!!! really the BEST!!!!!
hm... too bad, the aunties are no longer selling them in the school...
hm... should really go and check them out...
than maybe we can have some delicious food.. hehe!!!!
hm... went to have dinner at about 10.
by that time, i was almost dying.
sooooo hungry...
hm... went home at about 11....
erm... took a cab home, cos dont really have my bus,
plus i dont wanna go home too late.
hm... mum's not really very strict with me nowadays,
but dont wanna take advantage of it,
or else she might just change her mind again...
*sighz*
so overall, today wasnt really that bad..
just a dent...
a dent at a place,
where it hurts the most.
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
Come whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever"
- Vitamin C graduation
"Do I love you because you're beautiful,
or are you beautiful because I love you?
Am I making believe I see in you a girl too lovely to be really true?
Do I want you because you're wonderful,
or are you wonderful because I want you?
Are you the sweet invention of a lover's dream
or are you really as beautiful as you seem?
Am I making believe I see in you a man too perfect to be really true?
Do I want you because you're wonderful,
or are you wonderful because I want you?"
- Cinderella do i love you because you're beautiful
Sunday, June 22, 2003
dont know....
*sighz*
read her blog and i feel quite sad...
somehow, think that things would have been better if...
dont know what happen to her...
feel like asking,
but dont know how to..
ha.. feel a bit helpless now..
things are beyond my control..
cant do much to help at all...
guess i can never do anything to change what she's feeling..
dont know how to...
what she needs,
is someone who can always be there for her...
has all the patience in the world..
and not someone who's super short tempered..
super attitude...
super shitty.
sok says she sees history repeating itself...
ha.. i dont know...
dont think so...
just that..
things just cant be explained.
dont know what to say to make you feel better...
sometimes when you told me that you are just thinking...
of what had happened..
i also dont really know what to say...
i dont know if being there for you is good enough...
maybe it's not..
cos i have a feeling that you need something more than that..
cos there are tons of people who can be there for you.
do you know why i always ask you if you wanna stay over?
cos it's only at night,
than you will open yourself up a bit...
and talk about whatever you want...
it's not only so much easier to just talk...
it lets me know how you feel...
and if you cried,
i can just let you cry on my shoulder...
or simply hug you.
or just hold your hands and sleep..
or by being near, gives you a sort of assurance..
i know that there are things that you dont know how to say...
but if you just try...
keep trying...
you'll be able to reach out to anyone you want.
i'll always be there to listen if you want,
when you want...
but at this point,
i guess you also dont really know what to say to me anymore...
take care ya...
everyone do loves you.
they do.
i do.
Saturday, June 21, 2003
just finished my dinner...
hm... well, nothing fantastic,
but not bad lahx..
hm..let's see, what should i do later?
well, maybe continue to struggle in that endless questions of
PERMUTATIONS and COMBINATIONS
being buried underneath is most likely... =) hehe!
hm...gonna finish up the rest of my rocks and landforms too...
than maybe next tomorrow can start on my coastlines aledy..
*sighz* well, need to revise my trigo too...
wonder when can i start on my lit..
*sighz* a bit no hope ya.
thinking thinking thinking..
feel like going to sentosa on one of the days next week..
DAMN! so sinful!
well, we'll see how lahx...
**********************************************
hm.... talking to song in irc now...
*sighz*
he said....
"wonder if rachel is performing tml..miss her leh
her kao-beh-ness
and her radiance
cos all these will be lost in a person after sec sch
agreed?"
well, i really couldnt agree more...
i think i lost so much when i left secondary school...
though i gain new things too...
*sighz*
i lose myself...
this is weird...
when has laughing cause one to hurt?
aiyox... something's wrong with me manx...
the show's really funny...
it seriously is.
and i laughed.
but somehow,
laughing hurts.
weird right?
hm... must find out why is it like that?
something new to me...
ok people, any suggestions of why it's like that?
*********************************
hm.... yupz!
finish my probability tutorial today.
hehe! quite proud of myself...
i think today is the only day that i'm actually quite on schedule.
well, except fro the irritating P n C,
just cant understand how to go about doing it.
damn! gonna consult some experts already...
or else sure mati!
hm... having family dinner tomorrow...
confirm already...
yoo hoo song!
guess we'll have dinner on sunday instead ya?? hehe~
hm... sure gonna have some hao liao tomorrow..
couldnt wait manx...
Friday, June 20, 2003
well, went to css mac to study today.. AGAIN!
haha... i'm really having no life manx!
well, today, zhenjia and choonwei came.. yippee!!
so nice! hehe~ it feels great!
hm... well, it's nice to see choonwei again...
everytime i see him at css mac,
he'll give me that 'O' level feeling..
cos we used to mug together for 'O's.
haha!! somehow, just gives me the motivation!! hehe!
so nice ah!!!
hm.. didnt complete much today...
but as compared to the past few days...
well, this is not too bad lahx.
realise that i only have one more week left.
DAMN SHITTY!
must work hard already.
i cant afford to fail my maths...
and i must pass my geog ah!!
as for my lit... *sighz*
it's a goner..
no hope.
must tell you all about becca...
so idiotic!!! haha~
no lahx...
she horz... really bu zhi si huo...
ate so much yesterday!!!
hm... think she's gonnna hit that BIG '6' soon lorx!!!
aiyoz... she told me she ate...
one whole bottle of nutella, one whole loaf of bread, pizza, fries, ice-cream and HALF OF THE ROAST DUCK!!!
can you imagine?!!!
aiyoz... i think she'll have to buy jame's the jersey real soon manx!
ARGH!!!
becca ah!!!!!
better watch your diet ah!!!!!!
quote from what yvonne lin said in "hai you ming tian":
some things are only at its most attractive when you let them go
was all alone at mac before the others arrive. i didnt really have the mood to study than, so just sat there, ate my double fillet, and looked around. i saw one of my grandpa's friends walked past and suddenly, just noticed how fast time flies, and how one aged. his hair is completely white now and his face is completely wrinkled. there are traces of his age everywhere.
as i sat there, i just realised that i've spent 16 years of my life there, in jurong. i used to live around there, even so, my grandpa would bring me to the market every sunday. the uncles there are very nice to me, and i can remember that ever since i was young, i like to bicker with them. haha~ they really dote on me. =) my primary school was somewhere nearby, it's still there. not forgetting that CSS is also in jurong east. i basically just grow up in jurong east. haha~
i think i know almost all the shopowners and hawkers there... well, almost. they are mostly my dad's or grandpa's or uncles' friends. haha~ i feel as though others are looking at me whenever i am there. but i like to go to the mac there, like that sense of familiarity. it just feels so home. =)
times were much easier, and much enjoyable than. even the days when i used to mug everyday in the mac for my 'O's are nothing compare to the tough time that we are all having now. i feel as though my life has been suck dry. when song asked me where i am or what am i doing than, i was like... "what do you think?" haha~ i gave him the same answer everyday, can you imagine how no life i am now? about 6 more months to go, and i can enjoy for about 7 months? haha~ easier said than done... after the 'A's, i'll most probably be worrying till the day the results are out. well, if i cant make it for uni, *sighz* than i'm really stuck. shit! i really dont want to be in that position... *sighz* cos' my grandpa's gonna be so disappointed.
can you imagine the stress i'm in now? when the whole family is pinning their hopes on me? thinking that i'm gonna be the only uni grad from the family. *sighz* this is too pressurizing... really scared that i'll disappoint them. SHARKS! my aunt has been calling now and than to ask about me... my uncle too... and whenever i see my grandpa, he'll think that something major has happened to me, or i dont have money, than he'll give me money. but because he cant hear properly, he'll always panick when he gets home and get my uncle to call me to ask what i said to him. *sighz* i know they are all concern about me... *sighz*
pressure....
remember there was this movie
that the guy was able to read others' minds.
have you ever wish that you have that ability too?
well, i wish.
maybe i dont want to know what everyone else is thinking,
but at least,
know about those around me.
haha... oh...
if i have this ability,
i'll try to read the teacher's mind.
hehe!
than i dont need to study so hard anymore...
can just know what the questions are.
YEYEYE!!!
i'm dreaming...
sharks! how i wish i really have the ability now..
DAMN IT!
*sighz*
"always look on the bright side of life.."
wonder how's she now...
*sighz*
Wednesday, June 18, 2003
shit.
i know i've not been the best sis to you,
but if you have anything you wanna say,
i'll always be here to listen to you,
i promise.
*sighz* er... think my promise is a bit worthless now..
but er... never mind...
i might have lie to you about lots of things..
how i feel, what i think..
but i didnt lie when i told you that...
i'll always love and care for you...
you are a blessing to me.. =) *hugz*
i remember that you asked me to hold your hand,
and just believe that things will be alright.
hold on to mine too..
and we'll make sure things will really be ok..
i believe in you...
and just hope that i'll be able to believe in myself too...
love ya girl...
*big big big big hugz*
*bitez*
can you detect the sense of urgency from the title??
well... good for me!
i'm really panicking.
the table is in my room now,
and it's covered with everything...
maths, lit, geog, dictionary... whatever...
realise that i've been slacking too much..
not really concentrating at all...
i think i should have done my continuous random variable long ago..
hm... think it's quite easy...
so didnt really have any problem doing it today. =)
hm... suddenly just gives me the motivation that i need.
ok... got to stay up tonight to finish
trigo, numerical methods, permutation and combination and probability. hm...
hopefully can finish them by 3..
than maybe i'll revise a bit on rocks and landform...
SHIT!
really have to buck up already!
i still have tonnes and piles to finish...
i have...
urban geog, half of tourism, coast, john donne, hard times, and my overdue tutorials for geog, MATHS!!!
damn! cant fail maths!
if not, i'll be a GONER!!!
hm... ok...
feel like getting this 'A's over and done with...
it's killing my cells!
and sucking essence out of my life!
damn!
I NEED TO PASS!
.
.
.
.I NEED TO SCORE!
.
.
.
.I NEED TO GET TO UNI!
Tuesday, June 17, 2003
listening to: liao jie
went to css mac but didnt do much studying.
just couldnt focus nor concentrate.
what the f*ck am i doing?
was reading about some things that i've wrote,
and realised that they were like more than a month ago?
and now, i'm still stuck with all this stupid shit.
stare at all those maths problems as though they were aliens.
well, they are.
didnt know how to do a single question.
how great can things be?
hm...feel like doing something now.
i think i'll regret,
but still...
think it would feel great too.
f*uck lahx!
i'm going crazy!
Monday, June 16, 2003
the title says it all, isnt it? haha~
went study in the morning at css mac till about 6++
than met up with song and company..
in the end, fush, qq, song and i went to eat edo for dinner.
hm... just got my allowance from my dad,
and knowing that all of us were quite broke...
so i volunteered lorx...
not that i mind..
it's just food lorx.
we ate so much till i feel so bloated now.
cannot take it manx! hehe!
qq, song and i went to the arcade after that.
played DDR and realise that i'm not as good as before anymore. =(
hm... than played some lame game which was quite fun.
the babies were so cute!!!
hm... than played bishi bashi...
i think i injured my wrist..
can feel the pain when i move my wrist...
but heck lahx!
not as though i really care about all this minor things now..
*sighz*
the same word keep appearing in my head...
it's been playing in my mind for the whole day,
for the past two days...
*sighz*
think i really have to do lots of reflection..
didnt really do much studying today
was too distracted i guess.
my mind seems to be super saturated...
with anything and everything except my work.
*sighz*
CRAP!!
i'm so full of SHIT!
damn it!
*sighz*
but i really couldnt be bothered anymore...
too tired...
just...
just...
sleep in peace...
have you ever wondered what you want to be
if you were given a chance to choose.
i will definitely not choose to be belle...
what's so good about being human?
moreover being me?
ha!
i'm just selfish,
stupid,
useless.
i dont know...
just feel that i've always have to settle for second best in my whole life.
why is it like that?
guess the only thing that i'll never regret though it's not my choice..
is studying in Commonwealth
was talking to yien yesterday,
and we were saying which school will we choose if we are not studying in css...
i cant even think of one.
is this good or bad?
ok friends, have a question for you. people reading this... do reply k?
do you think i've fail you as a friend in anyway? maybe i didnt care enough? didnt listen enough? didnt bother enough? didnt do enough? if you want to complain, do it now. this is your chance.
haix... relax, i wont come after you even if you say i'm the lousiest friend you can get. just want to know the truth.
hm... was talking to liyan through msn yesterday and received this major lecture from him about splurging money and being too affected about everything. *sighz* well, he's right anyway, but i dont really care about the first part, just the second part. i dont know what to do about it anymore. he said i should just focus my attention on my work, hm... you think i dont want meh?
sometimes, i wonder why i study so hard. i went to css mac everyday, hoping and praying for the same thing - i'll finally be able to concentrate and really DO some studying. but everytime, things will still be the same. it'll start out fine, and later on, my mind will just drift. damn it! i really hate myself. how did i get myself into this stupid mess that i have no idea how to climb out? damn me!
feel like walking into the middle of the road, and let the car knock me down. hm.. well, dont do much damage to me, but can you just let me suffer from selective amnesia?? hehe! *sighz* i would erase my memory of the past one and a half years... i realise that i cant erase just a few months, cos things can link to one another.. so.. sorry pals, i have to forget you too in order to get rid of everything. just feel like getting my life back, i seem to have no life at all.
you know, after everything. i really wonder what's my biggest regret. *sighz* feel like just throwing everything and everyone aside for once, amd just concentrate on ME! hm.... why didnt i think of this? well, afterall, i'm a SELFISH BITCH, so this should be the case right? hm.....
Sunday, June 15, 2003
did i just received a slap?
right on my face?
wat the F*CK!
dont expect too much from me.
my life's wrecked enough without gettin more shit from you!
ME ME ME!!!
what to do...
it says it all right??
"i'm self centerd."
"i'm sad."
"i'm neglected."
"i never stop to think for a moment."
hey! bastard! who are you to judge me?!
sarcasm doesnt goes well on me...
if you want to say something,
say it to me.
my lit sux!
dont expect too much from me..
what more do you want?
you already have your world.
you expect things to have both worlds?
are you crazy?!
living in fantasy?!
in your dreams perhaps?!
i'm always THIS SELFISH!
THIS SELFCENTERED!
dont like it...
than get lost!
who needs you in my life anyway?!
you have what you want,
so be satisfied.
my life's ruined enough without that F*cking slap of yours!
so
F*CK OFF!
did some studying today.
didnt really do much at all.
dont really have the mood,
was too distracted i guess.
hope that this is the end of this whole trauma-o-rama.
cannot take it anymore.
my head is going to burst soon.
suddenly feel like quitting school,
dont do my 'A's,
and just rot my life away.
CRAZY!
hm.... glad that izzy and him are ok now.
or else i think i'll be a qian gu zui ren.
*sighz*
forget it.
was pondering and wondering about things.
was sitting alone in the room and just wondering
haha... weird thoughts,
you can even call them crazy.
wonder how it feels...
how it's like...
but guess i'll never know.
hm.... maybe not knowing is better,
at least it proves to me that i'm sane..
if not,
i think i can join yien to look for a psychiatrist.
haha!
the temptation was there,
it was too great.
sanity took control,
and i guess,
all was for nothing.
went to co today,
it was quite fun actually.
didnt really make much improvement.
in fact, i was stoning for quite a while.
was replaying everything and anything in my head.
GOSH!
what a BIG MESS i am.
*sighz*
think i'm just so gonna flunk my mid-yrs,
and the worse thing is
i dont really care.
what's happening to me?~
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Third Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
listening to: mei you ni hui zhen yang
every day every night
every moment when you kissed me good bye
i wanna be with you
qu cui feng
qu kan hai
everything's gonna be so fine.
ting wo shuo wo de ai
you're the best thing in my life."
- Victor Chen girl
decided to change the title of my journal again.
think this phrase just got stuck in my head.
just couldnt get pass myself of this.
think i deserve this anyway.
nah...
rather than blaming others...
i shall just zi wo fan xing fan xing...
heard a song when i was on my way home.
hm... the lyrics simply moved me to tears.
*sighz*
cant find the lyrics...
hm... i'll find it soon.
cos i think it simply says it all...
found this sms in yien's phone...
"one day, Love and Friendship met.
Love asked Friendship,
"Why do you exist when i already exist?"
ya...
why do i exist when you already exist?
i felt that pain again.
right there,
in my heart.
i dont know what's happening,
just know that i have no control over it.
ironic,
cynical,
pessimistic or just realistic.
yien says qiujie's getting more and more cynical,
ha! who isnt?
weather forecaster told me that
he's not too sure if there's sunshine after the rain.
well, who's sure?
liyan says he doesnt like liars.
than i think he'll hate me.
think i'm so used to lying now.
convenient, i guess.
but one thing's for sure,
i dont lie to friends.
ok... maybe there're exceptional cases.
but i hate lying to them.
*sighz*
think i'm so fake whenever i do that.
dont believe me,
cos i might be lying to you.
dont believe me,
cos you'll never know what i'm thinking
dont believe me,
cos you might only be seeing someone with a mask.
dont believe me,
cos i cant make sure that you wont regret.
just dont believe me.
Saturday, June 14, 2003
i almost gave in to temptation today.
i almost did.
be it in mac, in css or on my way home.
i almost lost.
lost the battle that is so crucial to me.
step into Commonwealth today.
my 2nd home.
a place with lots of fond memories.
even the air smells different.
familiarity, happiness, laughters, tears of happiness, lameness, jokes, hugs, quarrels, graduation
everything just came back to me.
went to the hall with celest and yien.
sat there and started playing the piano.
the same piano which i played for our play,
the same piano which we used for our graduation.
haha.. played a range of songs.
our very own graduation song,
the song that ferd sang for us.. the prayer
the song which the lyrics was used by xuan in her bi ye gan yan... dang ni gu dan ni hui xiang qi shui,
the song that was popular when we were in sec 4..qing fei de yi,
the song which was so irritating when we were in sec 1.. my heart will go on
haha... this brought us tears when we were in sec 2.. if i let you go
hm.... not forgetting our own school song..
and the musical song..
tried playing xi shui chang liu
but didnt really manage to make it...
and a few others i think..
sat there and talk..
they were laughing at that time when all of us were told to stand on the slope...
haha... the whole school was there..
and you know what they did?!
they merely just took a photo with us as the background..
while the teachers were right at the front.
though the picture was actually quite well-taken,
we are only the BACKGROUND!
irritating rite?~ haha!
before i left,
saw jenni, hanwei, guan, lixin, huiwen, hanguang, vj, and liling...
not forgetting some of the juniors like teng ho, wanzhen, suting and zhengjie..
talking about zhengjie..
i'm going to murder him SOON!!!
he still has my grad cd-rom!!!!!
ARGH!!!!
must keep reminding him to bring..
or else it's going to just disappear one day lorx!!
hahaha...
so happy today!!!
i went to one of my favourite place!!!
breathe that air that i didnt find it special for 4 years,
but now, it's value is far more than that!
haha~
yippee!!!
must go back more often,
and the next time,
i'll bring my camera along
so that i can take pictures of the school,
to make sure that if one day,
i met with an accident and suffer from amnesia,
i'll have all these photos with me,
to remind me that..
this place is very special to me..
a place that i cannot forget.
Listening to: Yi Wang Guo Qu
was supposed to have a farewell for ferd today,
but thanx to qiujie...
haha... we cancel it. =X
hm... he lahx.. didnt make proper arrangement. hehe!
aiya... cannot blame him also...
he so busy lately...
ooi! si zhu!! better take care of yourself horx!! dont fall sick ah!!
hm...went to mac to study.
for once, i was PUNCTUAL!!
haha!! i was running lorx.. almost late.
but i told myself, i CANNOT be late...
or else yien will have free lunch today...
will be super bu gan yan!!
haha!
he was like having a countdown lorx...
i reached at 9.59.
haha!!!! yey! i won!
hm...
a GREAT DAY!!!!!
haha..guess who i saw today?!
MR YONG!!!
wah~ it's been like a million years?!!
hahah.. he is still the same..
haha.. when he saw yien and me studying..
he was like..."never mind lahx! fail fail never mind lahx..."
haha.... as usual..
he used to tell us that too when he taught us chem..
and we always think that he's being sarcastic.
haha...
he reminded me that...
there was once when mrs yip asked karen and i to drop chem,
cos we are like super cannot make it lorx..
but mr yong told her that he dont encourage us to drop chem.
cos he knows that we can make it in the end..
and we do!
haha~
remember that after the prelim papers,
when we were still waiting for the results,
he called the both of us to stay back after our chem prac.
at that time, i was so scared that i almost cried.
cos' i thought he wanted to scold us for failing chem again..
i swear that i studied DAMN hard for chem lorx!
haha... in the end he told us...
"hm... u 2 ah... congrats ah.."
than he told me..
"your chem improved... though still not really up to standard..
but at least you got a B4... you passed it.
careless ah... must work harder.."
haha! that was like the BIGGEST encouragement that i need manx! hehe!
hm...well, karen beat me than..
she got an A2..
was quite disappointed with myself..
but i told myself that i'll work harder...
*sighz* in the end, i only manage to get a B3,
but i think it was good enough,
but still quite disappointed lahx...
hahhaa...never mind...
reminds me of the happy times..
all the laughters...
the lameness...
haha!!
yey!
Friday, June 13, 2003
was on my way home from geog remedial just now..
was trying to read my Hard Times
think i'm so dead,
especially lit..
it's like a confirm DEAD subject to me...
*sighz*
was waiting for the bus when series of things just pop into my head
makes me reconsider and have doubts in the things that i used to believe in.
things are no longer as simple as before.
as we grow older,
we tend to take things more seriously,
think more of it,
and make them complicated.
hm... ok...not gonna think about it now...
hm...gonna enjoy myself later..
haha!! afterall, it's hanwei's bday!!!! haha!!!
Happy birthday woman!!!
hm...well, it's also a damn good excuse to have a gathering.
hehe!
Yippee!!
finally some fun....
the things people said
the things people do
the things that are happening
the things that might happen
the things that had happened
things... things... things...
all the little little things...
haha... forget it lahx...
i'm like having all these tangential thoughts
that i dont really know how to deal with them
just leave it as it is.
hm... *yaWnz*
i'm so tired..
physically and mentally.
i think i'm really not bothered much about things..
anything and everything.
sometimes,
when the pressure's too much,
you'll just wish that
have a good sleep,
and you'll just sleep forever...
**************************
mei you ni zhi hao ting zhe feng de hu xi
que you zhong jiao zuo shi jian de dong xi
shuo mei wen ti zui hou wo men quan yu
ying wei tai liao jie wo wu fa jian ding
zhe yi ci hui yao diao yan lei de jue ding
you xie yi han zho neng yi ge ren ting
hen dui bu qi
wo hai shi zhen xi suo you de shi qing"
- Stephanie Sun liao jie
"li kai wo ni shuo shi wei le wo hao
ke zhi dao zhe ju hua shang ren bu shao
jiu suan wang bu liao
mei you da bu liao
fan zhen yi qie do bu zai zhong yao"
- SHIN yi liao bai liao
Listening: Bu Ji Mo
hehe!!! just came back from hanwei's birthday celebration at swensens.
it's super fun lorx!
hm... ok.. maybe fun's not exactly the word to describe it,
but i'm sure all of us enjoyed ourselves tremendously
by the way, i saw lilian's boyfriend today.
he looks like a nice guy...
but well, *sighz* this kinda thing a bit difficult to say lahx..
haha... think i'm getting a bit cynical when it comes to guys..
but cant help it though...
as though i care!
ARGH!!!
waited for an hour for the chicken baked rice that we ordered.
they actually forget about our order!! so irritating!
in the end, they gave us 5 soup-of-the-day to make up for it...
hm....
hehehe!!!
was so glad to see all of them.
let's see... there were jenni, xinwen, lilian, qiujie, huiwen, kianhong, xuan, bee, celest and hanwei's NJ frenz...haha!
oopX! and her boyfriend too... wah!! rich guy siaz!
hm....we had lots of fun talking and just updating each other...
haha!!! oh..!! and i just know that BRUCE have a GIRLFRIEND!!! haha!
that grandson of mine... didnt even tell us.
hahaa...
you can just imagine our reaction when huiwen told us about it.
haha... we just "HUH?!"
and all turned and looked at her. haha!!!!
she got a shock lorx...
she thought we know.. HA!
hm....was with xinwen alone when lilian went to pay her bill.
haha.. both of us laugh like nobody's business lorx! haha!
hm...basically, throughout everything,
we just keep laughing and talking.
haha... in the end,
we went outside to cut hanwei's cake and sat there for about half an hour to talk.
haha! a TRUE gossip session
haha!
it's been a long while since i really enjoyed myself.
all the laughters...
haha... it's like a stress-reliever..
xuan and i just didnt bother about 'image'
and just laugh our heads off. haha!
we had fun teasing about jenni's height...
bee missing yien so much that she's hallucinating...
huiwen and xiao hei...
kianhong and his stupid remarks about me...
haha...that pimple planet being mean and evil..
teasing xuan about guang yi...
xinwen and her remarks about the people who like hanwei before... haha!
lilian and her SUPER LOW CUT spags...cannot stand it lorx!
i can actually see the B-R-A!!! haha!
oh...did i mention that celest, xuan and i were the first to eat the earthquake,
and the last to stop? hehe!!! ;)
looks like 3 hungry ghosts! hehe~
i wonder when can i enjoy myself so thoroughly again..
with all these people,
laughter never fails me.
it's just so easy to talk,
and be happy..
i like this kind of easy life. =)
though life's been tough lately,
but i dont really mind.
afterall,
i chose the path that i'm walking now..
so i cant blame no one but myself..
i'll survive...
Thursday, June 12, 2003
hm...just put down the phone.
hehe!
feel so happy now. =)
smilez all the way. =)
was on the phone with kangwei just now...
one of my brothers...
in fact,
he's been my brother since i was in primary 4...
it's been so long..
haha!!!!
but he's really very nice to me lahx..
he always calls me to talk on the phone.
haha!!!
hm.... was telling him to quit smoking...
really dont like the fact that he's smoking.
hm... he's in civil defence now.
well, he quit school and decided to go for his NS first....
really miss him manx!!!
i think the last time i saw him was when i was in sec 4.
haha... yey!!
i finally remember to ask him for his handphone number,
not i can locate him easily...
no need to wait for a zillion years.
hehe!!!!
*************************************
hm...oh...btw,
i went to watch HOT TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS...
haha!!! this show is superb!
it's super hilarious!
it's been a really long time since i last had that monstrous laughter!!!
hahahahaa!!!
i was laughing so hard, and DAMN loud!
oh...by the way,
the guy in the show is quite cute....
Matthew McConaughey
hm....oh..before that,
went mosburger with izzy and rang...
am really broke now.
*sighz*
i think i can just die tomorrow lorx..
hm...walk back home just now.
just feel like walking by myself for a while.
didnt feel like waiting for the bus.
was walking along the reservoir when a bunch of bastards keep disturbing
just pretend that i didnt hear them cos i was listening to the fm..
walk past them glaring...
*sighz*
wasnt really in a bad mood
just feel like walking.
hm... realise that walking
can be a good form of venting frustration also...
Wednesday, June 11, 2003
there seems to be tonnes to write about
and yet i dont know where to begin..
mumbled things to myself last night.
haha....
as usual,
too bored,
and that pig is already asleep.
guess she didnt hear anything that i said,
or she would have responded. =)
i'm supposed to be packing up and going to school now
but that pig is still alsleep
and refused to wake up
*sighz*
we'll gonna be late manx...
haha!
ciaox~
Tuesday, June 10, 2003
bu zhi dao wei he....
wo hui nan guo,
hui xin sui,
hui xin tong,
ke shi...
wo duo nan guo do bu hui ku,
duo xin sui do bu hui ku
duo xin tong do bu hui ku.
ke neng zhen de zhang da le ba..
li jie dao le wu lun liu le duo shao lei shui
do bu hui jie jue wen ti
zhi yao jin tian kuai le,
you he bi qu xiang dao ming tian...
zou yi bu suan yi bu..
bu yao qu xiang tai duo....
girl ah.. dont worry so much. i might not be TOTALLY ok... but i'm BETTER. just concentrate on your relationship, i think he really needs you to accompany him... dont worry about me. =)
hm...guess what i'm doing now? haha... i'm waiting for yien to come online... so that i can test my mic... hehe!!! i'm super EXCITED lorx!!!
hm....went to watch FINDING NEMO with izzy today
the movie was simply fantastic.
it's super hilarious lorx!
we are like laughing non-stop lorx! haha!
hm.... nice nice!!!
nemo is so cute!!!
but that izzy just has to say that i look like bruce.
SIANX!
so mean rite?!
hm....went to css mac to study today.
think i'll be there everyday..
really need to catch up on my work.
haix...
almost got a shock just now
when she cried on my shoulder.
haix....
too unexpected.
haix....
dont know how to assure her...
can only just let her cry on my shoulders.
girl ah... dont worry...
Monday, June 09, 2003
went to town again..
this is like the third time for this week?
haha...
went to town with celest...
it's been like a million years since i last saw her..
wah~
talk, talk and talk...
eat, eat and eat...
gossip, gossip and gossip..
too bad,
xuan's not with us...
haha!
went to shop for hanwei's pressie...
hm...bought a necklace for her...=)
than i bought a com mic also!!!
so happy!!!
yea!!
now i can talk to yien using msn also...
than i wont lugi...
or else i have to keep typing and typing..
so mafan!
haha
went for coffee with my cousins later..
haha... as usual,
we gossip and talk about a lot of things lahx..
it's been a damn long time since we go out together.
hm... well, something that they said cause me to wonder about things...
*sighz*
went to town again..
this is like the third time for this week?
haha...
went to town with celest...
it's been like a million years since i last saw her..
wah~
talk, talk and talk...
eat, eat and eat...
gossip, gossip and gossip..
too bad,
xuan's not with us...
haha!
went to shop for hanwei's pressie...
hm...bought a necklace for her...=)
than i bought a com mic also!!!
so happy!!!
yea!!
now i can talk to yien using msn also...
than i wont lugi...
or else i have to keep typing and typing..
so mafan!
haha
went for coffee with my cousins later..
haha... as usual,
we gossip and talk about a lot of things lahx..
it's been a damn long time since we go out together.
hm... well, something that they said cause me to wonder about things...
*sighz*
Sunday, June 08, 2003
listening to: yi ge ren sheng huo
wah~ time to go back for co again...
though before i went for it,
i have feel this dread in me..
but when i was there,
it was actually quite ok lahx...
hm...saw my cousin today.
zhihong is back, for good. haha
hm.. wah~
lots of xi ke today lorx..
zhihong, winston and the zhong ruan teacher..
haha...the feeling's so familiar..
went for dinner later...
*sighz*
still can remember last time we used to have a big group for dinner.
though now there like lots of people..
but i dont even know most of them.
last time still have...
jx, song, qq, jac, jia, jieren, guowei, xinwei, eddie, jeremy, rachel
hm... but now..
half the people gone.
hm.... sat is co day again...
haha...
but i think i'll have to stop soon
and just concentrate on 'A's.
no life again...
hao xiang shi zai ti xing zhe wo
sha le ni de pei ban
wo xian zai you duo ji mo...
wo xiang wo ke yi xi guan yi ge ren sheng huo
zai ji yi li mian cha qu ni de cheng nuo
ai qing shi ge meng er wo shui guo tou"
- Lin Fan yi ge ren sheng huo
listening to:yan lei
yan lei do shi wo de ti hui
cheng zhang de zhi wei
oh yan lei...
ren zhu yan lei bu rang ni kan jian
wo zai gai bian
gu dan de gan jue
ni cong bu cen fa xian
wo xiao zhong hai you lei"
- Mavis Fan yan lei
"qing ni yi ding yao bi wo xing fu
cai zhi de wo dui zi ji can ku
wo mo mo de dao shu
zui hou zai ba ni kan qing chu
kan ni de wo yan li hao mo hu
man man bei fang zhu"
- Danial Chan bi wo xing fu
"wo de shi hao jiu shi kan ni sa jiao
ni xiang yao de wo do jing liang zuo de dao
you duo fei li lao xin do bu zhong yao
xin li quan do shi xing fu de wei dao
shi hao jiu shi jiang ni yong bao
yao zuo ni jiu nuan he de yi kao
zong shi xiang ti ni fan nao
xiang dai ti ni gan mao
she bu de ni shi qu wei xiao"
-Leo Ku shi hao
just finished reading all the journals...
hm... not good...
none was like super terrific..
everyone seems to be in a melancholy mood...
seems like i'm not the only one that's having probs..
but i guess i'm the only one that's lamenting about it.
so uselesS!
hm... my dear xuan ah
how are you?
dont feel so demoralised abt your maths k...
we study together and work hard together..
i'll try and help u with maths...
eh... i'll really try..
and you'll help me with lit and geog k?
hehee!!!
i know unfair ah...
1 sub trading for 2 subs... hehe! =D
i guess when you are used to the life that you had,
you need time to just settle down and get used to a different lifestyle now.
you'll have more time to study also..
but it also means that you'll have no excuses if you dont do well.
*hugz*
haix... lamer...
haha.. i'm like experiencing the same thing as you do lorx..
sometimes just dont feel as though you belong rite...
hm... dont think so much lahx k...
and please watch LESSER tv...
haha.. have some life lahx!!!!
yien's life revolving around his com..
and urs, around the tv....
haha!
take care ya...
i'll be there... =)
*hugz*
dear glory..
hope you are feeling better...
must take care ya..
what's over is over...
we'll get on with life ya... ~
as for me...
dear me ah...
get a grip lahx!
ha!
Saturday, June 07, 2003
wo xiang wo zhen de ku gou le
xian zai,
jiu xuan zhen de xiang ku
ye ku bu chu lai le.
zhen de shi yu ku wu lei
zhe yang ye hao ba,
ying wei tian tian ku zhen de hen lei de...
realise something just now.
whenever it comes to those super touching scenes,
i cant help but shed a tear or two for the characters in it.
but just now when i was watching tv,
i actually just stare at it,
no tears came,
nothing.
fang fo hao xiang zhen de mei gan jue le
wah~ wo hao li hai ah...
yi jing da dao na zhong jing jie le.
xian zai de wo,
jiu hao xiang piao fu zai yun li
gen ben jiu bu zhi dao he qu he cong
yan qian hao wu qu lu
ye zhi neng yuan di da bu.
ren shi dao zi ji you xu duo bu ke neng zuo dao de shi
do shi zai wo men de ming yun li
hao lei ah...
dont really know what to write.
at a loss of words.
felt quite bad for just leaving song in town today.
*sighz*
sorry pal...
hm... sometimes i really wonder
how he can just walk around in town
alone.
doesnt he feels lonely?
hm.... dont know...
i still remember that he once told me
to watch a movie myself,
alone,
to experience the feel of just being alone.
i'm like still waiting for the day
that i have enough courage to actually do that.
just watch a movie alone
or just wander around alone
maybe i'll survive,
maybe i wont
but who knows
until the day comes.
****************
the words of liyan and the voice of yien's
keep appearing and ringing in my mind.
i also dont know what to say
dont know how to answer them
dont know if what they say will come true
or my faith will make things work.
*prays*
hope that things will only get better...
Friday, June 06, 2003
from the entry title...
you can already guess how bored i was today.
haha...
no lahx...
went to BPP with izzy and wendy...
so instead of taking a bus home,
izzy suggested taking LRT
cos she has never taken one before.
took from BP to CCK,
than from CCK to CCK..
haha.. it was quite fun lahx...
we just sat there and talk
hm...well,
this time i'm not the one horx..
haha...
know that she's feeling insecure and damn scared...
it shows on her face lorx..
even when i asked her about it...
i can see that she's really worried.
*sighz*
a bit mei you yong horx..
i keep on making her worried...
seeing her like that makes me a sad too..
well, i dont mind keep on reassuring her..
i think when i'm with her,
i have all the patience in the world manx...
haha...
and i always wonder why..
went to take a walk at the reservoir..
i think i must be crazy.
but just walk home lorx.. =)
somehow, i think i also xiang tong le..
dont know...
just feel happier lately
dont feel as bothered anymore..
maybe i just couldnt be bothered to think about it...
tai lei le...
if it's going to happen,
it'll happen...
"shi huo dang bu guo"
wo hai shi ren ming hao le....
wu xie de xiao rong yi jing bu zai jing cai
wu hai pa jie ju suo yi ping ming shang hai
shuo shi wo dang zhu ni de mei hao wei lai"
- 5566 wo nan guo
"zhe neng ren xin guai ni fan le cuo
shi wo gei ni zi you guo le huo
rang ni geng ji mo
cai hui xian ru gan qing xuan wo
zhe neng ren xing rang ni sou zhe mo
shi wo gei ni zi you guo le huo
ru guo ni xiang fei
shang tong wo bei"
- jeff zhang guo huo
Thursday, June 05, 2003
it's really a happy day for me,
never laugh so much
and enjoy myself so much for some time...
ming tian hao xiang zhen de hui geng hao oh...
hm....
well, of cos there are reasons to why i'm happy what.
1. i heard izzy laugh today. something that i've not heard for quite some time.
2. i went to town with qq. haha~ wah... so long never see her liaox..
was quite moody in the morning...
my mind kept filling up with unwanted thoughts
so darn irritating..
i know i made izzy worried again..
*sighz*
was having maths tutorial than..
and as usual,
we werent paying much attention at all..
haix.. really not in the mood lahx..
than she started writing things in her tys...
hm...
girl ah... i know u're worried about me..
just wanna assure her of things..
hm... in the end...
i also dont know what happened...
but i sort of make her laugh...
something that sounds wonderful to me.
it's been a damn bloody long time since she last laugh..
*sighz*
my fault lahx...
always make her not able to enjoy her day...
hugz hugz dear girl...
oh... cos qq brought chilli's camera with her...
we took pics in the lit room together too...
haha... i was tickling her lorx... haha~
i like the pic leyz...
looks more natural.. =)
hm... went to town with qq today.
went to buy my mum's bday pressie.
wanted to buy her a top,
but it's like...
i really dont know what to buy
so in the end,
i bought her a cup that says...
"you are the world's greatest mum"
wonder what her reaction will be.
haha..
bought some other things too...
i bought this miniature cup for qq...
haha... it just says what i want to say... =)
hm... can see that she was quite tired..
thanx for accompanying me all the way to town.
haha... she bought something too... =)))))))))
hm.. as usual,
we never fail to eat when we are out together..
went to eat yoshinoya than
we ate our favourite DOUGHNUT!!!
haha... was practically dragging her when i saw it.
hm... something that qq said today...
really brings a sense of warmth to me. =)
i dont think she realise...
cos' it's not something that she would purposely say
ya... makes it all the better...
really put a smile on my face =)
thanx wor...
went home quite early...
i think both of us were damn tired...
haha... walk walk and walk....
wanted to buy something for myself...
but decided to save up the money instead...
hm.. think i've bought enough things lahx..
not very used to spending money on myself...
by the way...
saw dean today...
haha... as usual,
she's so cute lorx..
hahah!!!
wendy was practically just 'abusing' her all the way to orchard on the bus.
oopx!
was on my way home just now..
and many things just cross my mind..
haha..
i guess i've like form this speech unknowingly.. =)
hm...
there are so many things that i wanna say,
but i also dont know start from where...
maybe i'll say it one day..
but, i also dont know how to begin.
we'll just see if there's anything to prompt me.
hm... if i'm like in a damn good mood tomorrow,
i'll just tell her lahx..
if not,
i'll just keep quiet and look for a better chance...
just dont want her to be upset...
*sighz*
huggieZ huggieZ
feel as though my heart just stop beating for the moment.
*sighz*
what happen to that poor girl...
wish i know what happen...
but dont feel like asking the details.
just hope that she's alright.
a silly thought came to me than..
"wah... she's damn brave!"
argh! so kns!
how can i be thinking like that?
damn it manx..
cant imagine if i'm the one now..
i think i'll get major scolding from people...
but if i'm like that..
than would i have worried about all the lectures that i know i'll be getting?
dearie dearie.. *prays* hope that you are ok...
Wednesday, June 04, 2003
the day started out quite well,
but than i just have to be the spoiler.
having my mood swings again.
it's time like this that i really feel like stabbing myself,
it's so irritating!
and yet,
i just cant seem to control all those mood swings.
hm.... it's like another day..
another day of nothing.
back to the same old stuff.
i'm like yuan di ta bu.
i know that i'm making a lot of people frustrated and unhappy,
so sometimes,
i'll just tell them,
"dont bother and just let me die."
dont know...
people always say
"ming tian hui geng hao"
zhen de meh?
dont know..
but i can only keep on believing that it will...
Tuesday, June 03, 2003
called song.
"alone, alone alone alone alone alone alone..."
keep ringing in my head.
hey pal,
trust me manx,
i have lots of time alone.
go watch a movie alone,
go walk alone,
go shop alone,
laugh alone,
cry alone,
think alone,
be alone,
and just stay alone.
nah....
not trying to be sarca, pal.
dont know...
just saying the truth.
aiya... why bother so much?
afterall,
song's com is down.
so he wont get to read this too
unless next time he start reading from where he stopped.
locked in my room
looking at the things around me
does everything really belongs to me?
it's the only place where i can be alone.
alone with my com, my radio, my bed, my every other things
suddenly,
it seems as though i'm not so alone.
it seems that there are many 'people' around me.
they are there to listen to me.
they are there when i sobbed at night.
they are there when i'm at peace.
they are there for my complains,
they are there when i'm at my most vulnerable.
they know the truth
they know how i feel
they know my flaws
they know everything
they know me.
haha... ironic right?
there are so many people around me
and yet i choose to talk to
non-living things.
have i just crossed into weide's world?
haha...
i think so..
maybe now,
he's not so alone,
cos' there's me in the same world.
"You don't really give in. You follow your beliefs and ideals to the bitter end. You are the personification of stubbornness and whatever may transpire, right or wrong, you refuse to compromise or make concessions.
Being a very proud individual, you tend to hold yourself aloof pretending that you are stoical - indifferent to pain and pleasure. This is not so, for in truth you are an extremely emotional individual, one that may make a hasty decision and perhaps regret it at leisure. It is time now to break the bond of detachment and be the 'you' that you would like to be - give vent to your emotions and enjoy yourself.
You are moody and depressed at this time but it will pass. All of your hopes and dreams seem to have gone astray and you are fearful of planning further for the future. Disappointment at the non-fulfilment of your hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety and you try to escape from this by withdrawing into yourself. But that is not the answer. You have the power to succeed, believe in yourself... all is possible to him who believes."
23:18
stay focus,
you know what you want.
there are many others things waiting for you.
maybe, just maybe,
a good future ahead.
i need someone to knock me down,
knock me out
or just knock the hell out of me.
i'm bruised all over,
and yet,
i dont really feel it.
it no longer has that effect on me.
maybe cos'
i'm immuned to pain?
it once got too painful,
that i dont feel it anymore...
23:05
hm... am wearing my 3/1 class T now.
it feels so good.
feels so right.
i have all my class Ts with me.
and i think the 2E and 4/1 ones are the best.
fond memories...
23:01
the irony in the lines. i simply dont understand it now. afterall, what's there to understand? all's in the past. now is what matters.
if there any truth in there? maybe there is. but as time passed, the amount of truth just seems to diminished. maybe it's just better this way, it reminds you that nothing is the same. the only thing that is constant is change. so ironic right? but what to do? life is just so full of ironies. the little things that you'll never expect...
feel like pronouncing myself brain-dead, than i'll really have a world of my own than. a world where no one can or knows how to enter.
i'm so bored now. aiya... afterall, i'm a damn boring person too, of cos i'll feel bored lahx. i think people just feel bored when they are with me lahx. hm... boring boring boring...
almost wanted to just go and walk the reservoir.. but damn it lahx... my ankle is feeling the pain. shucks! i think i better go see the doc tomorrow than get a mc or just wrapped up my ankle. hehe~ HIAK HIAK!! than i DONT have to run on tues!! yiPPee!!
hm... no wonder i have slippery hands... now i know why.... `~
i dont know if you will, but maybe you shouldnt...
17:38
had pie class today.
hm... thought it starts at 4.30,
but who knows that it starts at 5.30
only for today lahx...
hm...
in the end, called song up and talk.
dont know...
just feel like talking to someone...
especially when the person has somehow become caught in the middle.
haha... really sorry about it, song..
yiPPee!
found this place in the school that i really really like.
haha... it's better than the previous one lorx.
though it doesnt offers as much privacy
but it's so much cooler,
and the view is so much better.
hehe~
now, i know where to go.
felt like crying than...
but somehow,
tears just wont come.
bie zai xin li hao nan shou ah!
i think i've improved lorx..
last few weeks,
it's been raining cats and dogs manx...
now, i'm experiencing drought. =)
xin li wu lun duo tong,
do ku bu chu lai le.
ke neng zhe ci wo zhen de ku gou le,
yi jing ku gan le.
wo yi hao wu lei shui le.
even when i saw her crying,
though my eyes were already brimming with tears,
somehow, it just took me little effort to force them back.
wo zhi dao wo shang ni hen shen. zhi dao wo yi ci you yi ci de shang ni xin. dui bu qi, you break your heart le.... *giDdY*
another day just passed like that,
does another talk count as something eventful?
hm....
*sighz*
dont feel like talking about it,
what for mention it again?
looking at those tears,
and my heart's into pieces again.
am i too demanding?
am i pushing too hard?
am i too unreasonable?
i think i am,
i really am.
afterall, this is only a small matter,
and yet,
it has been dragged for weeks cos' of me.
i have slippery hands, i do.
so maybe i should just learn
to hold on to things more tightly.
waiting for that sense of loneliness to pass,
wonder when it's going to be all over.
never mind lahx...
i'll survive.
Sunday, June 01, 2003
went shopping with izzy today.
we met very early.
as early as 10.
hm... cos' she cant stay late.
she bought 4 tops,
and left without a single cent home.
i bought a skirt and 2 tops.
haha..
i dont think i bought enough,
there's still these top and skirt that i want.
ok.. i'll be BACK!
hm... think things are getting better..
thrash it all out yesterday
and i really mean ALL out.
i even told her the worse already,
what more can i hide from her?
well, she was really angry with me,
but i really deserve it.
i mean,
if i'm her,
i'll most probably have just slap that person
or just ignore the person for the rest of my life.
*sighz*
hm...
there's nothing more to hide.
though i still dont really feel good,
but well,
it's just something that i have to get used to.
i think i should just treasure whatever time we have together,
cos' now,
time's really too precious.
it's no longer like the past,
where everyday is like another day together.
now,
there's no more everyday...
hm.. can get used to it one lahx..
xi guan jiu hao... =)
